


The Dog's Diary

by orphan_account



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-02-13 10:46:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 27,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2147844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>See the world through Stubbs' eyes, as an accompaniment to Astoreth does Ferelden.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mabari, ill with the darkspawn taint, makes some new friends.

### New Friends

Ugh, I feel so sick. Hot one moment, cold the next. Stupid darkspawn things. Why do the humans let us fight them? They know their blood is bad for you. The man who takes care of me is doing the best he can, but it's not really working. I heard him talking to a lady and then she put this thing over my mouth. I don't like it much, but I didn't want to bite her; she seemed nice. Afterwards the man put some smelly stuff on my wounds and made me feel a little better. It's still not enough though. I could die today. Where do mabari go when they die?

~*|'-'|*~

The lady is back. That flower she has in her hand is pretty. Aw, I like her. She pets me and calls me "good dog". That's right, isn't it? I am a good dog. The man says the flower will make me better, and that maybe I will go with the lady. I would like that. She seems nice. The other humans who are with her like her too. Especially the one with the black fur on his head; he wants to rut with her, I can tell. I can smell it on him. The lady isn't interested though. Let me at him! I'll... Never mind. The human with the yellow fur will protect her for me. Ooh, I'm so sleepy. I bet I will feel lots better when I wake up.

~*|'-'|*~

Oh no, oh no, oh no! When I woke up, all the humans were dead! Even the thin ones with the pointy ears. Why did they have to die? They don't have enough meat on them for food. There is fire everywhere, and those ugly darkspawn things too. Die, die, die! Hey, the blood doesn't make me feel sick anymore. It still tastes icky, but I feel better. The lady made me better. She needs my help! I can smell her. Wait up, lady! I will find you!

~*|'-'|*~

This place has so many plants. Everything is so pretty and green. Cold and misty too. The lady is close; her smell is very strong here. There are two others with her. One is the male with the yellow fur, the other I don't know. Smells like plants. There! I see her. Oh no, the darkspawn things have found her too!

"Lady! Lady! Watch out!" I jump before her and growl at the enemies.

~*|'-'|*~

"I found you! I was looking for you." I sit neatly in front of the lady. Isn't she cold? All the fur she has is on her head and that smooth green pelt doesn't cover much. I would be cold.

The lady bends down and hugs me. Yay, hugs! "Good boy!" she shouts and scratches me between my ears. I lick her face. She is so nice.

"I think he was out there looking for you," the male says. I just said that! Silly humans. I can understand them, but they can't understand what I say. They should learn how to speak my language.

"Looking for me? Were you looking for me, boy?" The lady laughs and pets me. Oh boy, I'm getting so much attention!

The male nods. "He's chosen you. Mabari are like that; imprinting, they call it." That is what the humans call it.

The one I didn't know is a female, just like the lady. The human with the plant smell. "Does this mean we are going to have this mangy beast following us about now? Wonderful." Hey! I'm not mangy!

The male shakes his head. "He's not mangy!" Yes! What he said!

"Oh, look at his little tail!" How rude! Don't pull my tail, lady. "I think I will call you Stubbs. Would you like that?"

Stubbs? My tail starts wagging all on its own. "Yes! I like it!"

The lady and the male begin petting me, yelling things like "he's so cute" and "nice puppy". I could use some belly rubbings, so I get on my back. These humans are smart. They understand me! I like them. They like me too. Well, maybe not the other female. But she will like me eventually. Nobody can resist a cute mabari. And my new friends say I'm cute. Yay, new friends!


	2. Treats and Pettings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stubbs and co. have arrived in Lothering, where they meet several new people.

### Treats and Petting

I've been with the lady for a while now. She is so nice to me! So I find her presents. Human food they call cake, things humans put on to keep warm. They need to grow themselves some fur. But I'm not complaining; the lady feels nice when she hugs me. I like cuddling. Makes my tail wag. Could do it for a long time.

There are many humans in this place, and they're all scared. I can smell it on them. Poor humans. We went into a house, full of humans! It smelled funny in there. Even got into another fight. But afterwards someone came with us. A human female, with orange fur on her head. She talks funny. I like that. She even called me a handsome dog. The angry female doesn't like her, I think. Big surprise. The angry female doesn't like anyone, not even the lady. Not even _me_.

I think the lady and the male are becoming good friends. The females got sent away by the lady, even. She wanted to be alone with him. Not without me, she wasn't. They got close to each other and talked. About dead friends. The male was sad, then the lady got sad. I got a treat. Then the lady left and returned with two big things, white foamy stuff brimming over them. So this is where that funny smell comes from.

She sent me away to see what the angry female is doing. I think it's safe to leave the lady alone with the male; he likes her as much as I do. If he knows what's good for him, he won't try to mate with the lady. Unless she wants to, I guess. Then it's fine.

~*|'-'|*~

There's the angry female. She's crouching on the ground, back turned to me. "Hi!" I sit behind her. "What are you doing?"

She turns, a bunch of plants and something metal in her hand. "Ah, 'tis you. Your mistress sent you to spy on me, no?"

Yes, she did. "The lady wanted to know how you were doing."

"How very kind of her." The female laughs and puts the plants in a bag. This must be why she always smells like plants. "Well then, shall we go?" She stands and looks at me with her yellow eyes. Humans normally don't have yellow eyes. A little scary.

"Okay, but I have to do something first." I run over to the big tree I just saw. Wow. That's a big tree. I'm going to pee on it and then this place will be mine. Because it smells like me. Ah, that's a relief. Now I, Stubbs, am the dominant dog here. "All done!"

"Establishing your dominance, I see." The angry female pats my head. She never does that. "Good dog."

This is weird. "Thanks, angry female."

" _Morrigan_! My name is Morrigan!" The angry shouting is normal. That's why I call her the angry female. But it's nice to have someone who can actually understand what I say. But wait, I smell something. Something bad.

I bump her hand with my muzzle. "Angry female!"

"Oh, what is it now?" She sighs and gives me another angry look.

"It's them! Darkspawn! They're here!"

The angry female folds her arms. Her really thin arms. No meat on them. "And?"

"If we kill them, the lady will be really proud." And I can get some more petting and treats. "And you can do that thing where they scream and turn blue and die."

She laughs. Even that sounds a little angry. "I certainly would not mind unleashing my powers. Come then."

~*|'-'|*~

These darkspawn were so easy. The angry female did some wavy things with her arms and that strange stick she carries, and they all died. That is so neat, I wish I could do that too. Then I would be cleaner and the lady wouldn't say I stink. Blood is stinky; I can't help it.

"Hey look! Little humans!" I walk up to one and sniff it. Okay, it's safe. Smells fine.

"Well, aren't you a nice dog?" The little human pats my head. "Say thank you to the nice dog, Sandal."

The other little human, with big ears, comes closer and carefully touches my nose. "Thank you, nice dog." I like these little humans already. They seem nice. I bet the lady would really like them. I should bring them to her as a present.

"And you of course, ma'am," the first small man says. "We really appreciate the aid you've given us."

"I did not come to your aid, _dwarf_." Angry again. "If you cannot defend yourselves, you deserve to be killed by these creatures. Now run along before I do it for them."

The small humans gasp. "M-my word!" the first says. "Come Sandal, let's leave before this woman kills us." Holding hands they run away.

"Bye, dog!" the big-eared one says and waves. He looks happy.

"Why did you do that, angry female?" I growl at her. "They did nothing to you and the lady would have loved these little people!"

She raises her shoulders. "Trust me, dog, they would not have added anything to the story."

"Story?" I tilt my head. "What story?" Suddenly I pick up the scent of flowers. The other female. She smells like flowers.

"There you are!" she says with that funny voice of hers. "I was looking for you."

I sit on my hind legs, front legs in the air. Humans go crazy for this. "Hi!"

The female claps her hands together. "Oh, who is a good dog?" She begins firmly rubbing me between the ears with one hand, the other stroking my chest. Yes, pet me. "You're such a handsome dog, yes you are. Look at what I found you!"

Gasp! It's a bone! It's even got some meat on it still. "Thank you!" Ooh, good bone. Yum! This female is my second most favourite human now. I think I'll call her nice female. The humans are talking, but I can't listen. Too busy. Mmm. I know this taste. The man who took care of me before used to feed me this. He said it comes from sheep. I've never seen a sheep. They taste good.

"Come along, Stubbs." The angry female puts her hand on my head. "The Chantry sister has something she _insists_ on showing us."

I don't mind a little walk. As long as I have my bone, I'm all good! Better save a bit for later. Whoa... I nearly dropped my bone. There in that cage is the _biggest human I've ever seen_! "That's a big human!" He must be... Four mabari high. All standing on their hind legs! At least I think it's a male; females are usually a lot smaller.

"This is no human, silly dog." The angry female looks at the male with big eyes. "'Tis a Qunari."

I tilt my head. "A what? Looks human to me. A bit big, maybe."

"Do you think he might be useful to the Wardens?" the nice female asks the angry one. "At the very least I think he should not starve to death in this cage."

"I agree." The angry female nods. What a weird day; she never agrees with anyone and never pets me. And today she did both. "This is a proud and powerful creature, not meant to serve as prey for the darkspawn."

This big human looks hungry. His stomach growls. I stick my bone between the bars of his cage. "Want some of my bone?"

He pushes it back out. "A kind offer, but I must decline. My kind has no use for bones." Yes, this is a male. Females have much squeakier voices.

"Okay. All the more for me. Angry female, can we find the lady now?" Nobody pets like the lady.

The angry female gives me an angry look. "I told you... Oh, never mind. Yes, let us find your mistress."

~*|'-'|*~

The lady is now sitting on the male. Should I be jealous? Meh, no. She likes me much better anyway. I'm way cuter than he is. I think the lady wants that big human to come with us too. The male and the angry female are fighting again. They never stop. Maybe they like each other.

The male says he would sooner fall in love with me than the angry female. That's icky. I don't blame him, because she's not very nice and I am, but... "Ew!" Humans and dogs shouldn't mate. Ever.

~*|'-'|*~

This place is funny. There are humans in tin cans here. Isn't that funny? I think it's funny. And humans that look just like the nice female. Well, from the neck down. The lady and her friends are talking to some wrinkly, grey-haired human. I sit down when my friends get on their knees. The angry female stayed in the funny-smelling house. She must not like it here.

The wrinkly human is saying stuff about some maker. A maker of what? Something good, I hope. Like food! A maker of food. That must be it. There is nothing better than food. Well, petting maybe. Oh, going already? Too bad. The tin humans are funny.

~*|'-'|*~

The big human is still in his cage and the lady lets him out. She's too busy talking to pet me. Pooh. And I could use some belly rubbing. But the nice female isn't busy. I bump my head against her hand and give her the puppy look. It works! I get on my back for my belly rubbing. The nice female runs her hands over my tummy in long strokes. She's so good at petting. Joy.

"Look, Stubbs, I have something for you," the female suddenly says. I look up and see a nice piece of meat dangling above my nose. Oh boy, I'm getting so many treats! Treats and petting, what more could a mabari want?


	3. The Happiest Dog in the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stubbs defends his mistress with his life.

### The Happiest Dog in the World

I don't like it here. It stinks. The people in the houses were all scared and when it was dark, all these stinky things that looked a little like humans came out of this place. They walked funny, they made funny noises: a lot like "raaagh" en "uhhhhn". Very funny sounds, I liked those. But they tasted icky. Really icky. One of them was so mean to the lady. It gave her wounds on her back. Really bad ones, with blood and everything. Poor lady. I was too late, and the male with the yellow fur too. He killed it, and then I took off its head just to make sure. At least that one will never bother the lady again. The lady looks different now. Her green pelt is gone; now she has a black one. With red plants on it. But they're not really plants.

Funny. Human males really seem to like the lady. Another one wants to mate with her! He looked funny; a smooth, shiny pelt in lots of different colours, and orange fur on his head. This male gets that particular smell whenever the lady is near him. The male with the black fur had the exact same thing. Wonder where he is now? Probably off trying to find another mate. The lady didn't want him. She doesn't want this one either. The lady sure is picky when it comes to taking a mate. But that's okay. As long as I'm here, she will never be lonely.

The big male who came with us, I like him. You know why? He's quiet. The other male talks so much I think my ears will fall off if I listen to him too long. He mostly talks to me about how much he likes the lady. No need to tell me; everyone can see it. I'll call him Tin Can, because he has a hide so hard it makes a loud clang when enemies hit it, and he makes me think of the tin can humans in the place with the wrinkly female and her maker and stuff. The big male says I'm a true warrior, worthy of respect! Don't know what that means, but it sounds good. Tin Can is nice too though; he calls me "good puppy" and pets me a lot. And he was raised by dogs! No wonder he smells like one sometimes. I like that. He is my friend! But the lady is still my best friend ever.

The stinky things came out of this place. It's big here, all stone. And metal. So many stinky things, even inside. I don't like it here. There are cages for humans, and there is a human in one of them. I can't really tell if it's male or female, because it has such a squeaky voice and isn't very big, but I can smell that it's afraid. And wounded. It smells like blood. The lady is talking to this human; they know each other well, I think. Maybe they came from the same litter? They do have almost the same colour fur and she is holding hands with it. Must be some kind of connection. Oh, the lady is letting the human out of its cage. Good. It needs feeding. Much too thin. Just like the angry female.

~*|'-'|*~

"Other dogs!" I can smell them, very close to here. Oh, but these aren't happy dogs like me, no, not at all. I can only growl; these dogs are dangerous. I also smell the skinny human. It must be following us. But that's all right, because I'm sure it's harmless. Nothing so thin and wounded can hurt us.

"Are there mabari here, boy?" the lady asks, patting me on the head.

Oh boy, petting. "Yes!"

"Are they hostile?" The lady pets me some more.

"Yes!" If hostile means angry, then yes. They're angry. They're dangerous. I need to protect my lady.

The lady looks a little sadly at me. "Then stay back, boy, I don't want you to witness them dying."

"What? I don't think so, lady!" It's my job to protect her. The lady saved my life. I'm not going to stay back!

"You wish to help?" The lady sighs. "Fine then, come along."

Nope! Going to do this all on my own. Some more petting, and there I go, quickly into the room with the dogs. They immediately begin barking. "Intruder! Intruder!" they all say. I don't think I can talk to these guys; they don't seem very smart. All they can do is bark about an intruder. Suddenly they all look at something behind me. Oh, no, the lady! Why didn't you just stay behind? It's not safe here. The leader of the pack is getting ready to attack, but then the lady sets it on fire. That's a neat trick. The other dogs are still fine though, and now _they_ want to attack her.

I jump in front of her. " _You keep your paws off my lady_!"

~*|'-'|*~

Well, that is it. The other dogs are all dead. It's sad, but it had to be done. If they had killed the lady, I would be so sad. And lonely. But because the lady came running to save me, the others are calling her stupid. That's so sad. She doesn't deserve that. But at least the two females are on her side.

"Do not be so hard on her," the angry female says. She lays a thin arm around the lady's shoulders.

"I agree," the nice female agrees. "She was merely concerned for his handsome boy." And then she rubs me between my ears.

"I love you, lady!" I get on my hind legs and put my front paws on the lady's shoulders. Her face needs kisses! Ooh, hugs. Yay!

"Down boy!" The lady wipes her face when I sit down. She looks like she thinks it's icky. I think I have bad breath. Maybe if I ate some of the plants the angry female always has... That would work. Yes, I'll do that. Ooh, the lady is playing dead! We're playing! I roll onto my back next to her, paws in the air. Look, I'm dead too.

The lady laughs a little. "Are his pants gone yet?" she asks. Pants? I know what pants are! Pants are those things humans put on their legs. If they're not split down the middle, they're called 'shirt'. I think. Whose pants? Tin Can's? Has to be. The lady has no interest in the big male, and only he and Tin Can are wearing pants.

I'm going to help! I get up and tug at Tin Can't pants. "Hey! Hey!" he yells. It's funny. Oops, made him fall. Aw, it didn't work. Yay, I made the lady happy! Look at her laugh. I sit down and look at her and Tin Can. He pretends to be angry, but I know it's not real. Putting a smile on the lady's face makes me so happy. I'm the happiest dog in the world, yes, I am.


	4. Playtime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While his mistress and most of her friends leave to save the Circle, Stubbs stays behind with Morrigan.

### Playtime 

"Very well. I suppose your mangy beast will have to keep me company then?" Angry female is angry. The lady and her friends are going to the house she came from, but not everyone can fit in the wooden thingy they need to get across all that water. The lady's old house looks like a big stone male thingy. Who makes a house like that? So silly. The lady wants the angry female to stay behind; she must be sick of her complaining. And how many times do I have to say I'm _not_ mangy?

"Do I have to stay here too, lady?" I don't mind. I can bother the angry female all day long. I like seeing those hairy lines above her eyes pull together. It's funny.

The lady nods and gets in the wooden thingy with Tin Can, the nice female and the big male. Neat! Now I can spend all day with the angry female. I carefully take her wrist in my mouth and pull her to the house over there. They must have sleeping places. "Get yourself a nice room!" the lady shouts. She throws a little jingly pouch at the angry female, who catches it easily with the hand I don't have in my mouth. She's good. Maybe I could throw a stick for _her_? Oh boy, that look she's giving the lady isn't very nice.

"What do you think you are doing, dog? I am perfectly able to walk myself." Oh, I know that. "You need not guide me." I know that too. I just like making her shout. Her face turns all red and angry when she does that. Great fun. " _Release me_!" she screams. Yes, red face, angry eyes, hairy lines above them pulled together. What did I say? Too funny.

Angry female pushes the door open herself. This looks just like the house in that place a while ago, just not as full of humans. "Greetings," she says to the human standing behind some kind of table. He has a big belly. The lady's belly has been growing too lately. She eats too much.

"Good day, miss." The human nods his head. "How can I help you?"

"Your best and most expensive room, my good man." Angry female slams the jingly pouch on the table.

The human laughs. "All our rooms are the same price, miss. Twenty silvers a night."

"Oh..." Angry female sounds a little disappointed. "How many rooms are available?"

"All three rooms are free." He looks at me strangely. "Just make sure your dog doesn't do his business inside."

"Hey!" Who does this human think I am? I am a well-raised mabari. "I'm not going to poop inside!"

Angry female pats my head. "He assures you that his business shall be conducted outside. In any case, I would like all of your rooms. Do you offer room service?" She is acting funny. Almost nice. Weird.

"Afraid not." He shakes his head. "If you want anything, you will have to get it yourself."

"Oh, very well. So much for repaying your mistress for leaving me here with you," she sighs to me. Two yellow metal things come out of the jingly pouch. "Keep the change."

"This is too much, young lady." The man dives under his table and comes up with a bottle. "Take this, then, with my thanks."

She opens it and sniffs. "Hmm, I can surely find a use for this. Come, Stubbs."

"Okay." We walk to the rooms. "What did he give you?"

"An alcoholic beverage," she says, settling on the bed. "I have no need for these things, but perhaps your mistress does." From her pack she takes a bag, and her eyes become dark when she sees it is empty. I feel some screaming coming up. " _You ate my entire bag of herbs, you foolish dog_!"

I hang my head. "Sorry. I had bad breath, so I thought eating your plants might help."

"Several of those herbs were poisonous; you should be pleased they did not kill you." Giving me an angry look, she throws away her bag. "Marvellous! Now what am I to do?"

"Well..." I jump onto the bed next to her. "I'm a little bored. Maybe we could go and play outside?"

Angry female crosses her arms. "Certainly not. You have some nerve, you flea-ridden beast. And your breath still leaves much to be desired. Leave me be."

"Aww..." I rub my face against her shoulder. "Please? Please? I'm sorry I ate your plants, really. They didn't even work. But hey!" I got a good idea! "Now you know they don't cure bad breath! And who found that out for you? Huh? Huh?"

She rolls her eyes. "I knew that already, mongrel. I do not need you to provide breakthroughs in herbalism for me."

I don't even know what that means. "Please play with me?" I give her a big kiss on the face. "I'll keep asking, and asking, and asking, until you come outside and throw a stick for me!"

" _Disgusting_!" Angry female wipes her face. More angry looks. "I will not indulge you! Play with your mistress when she returns."

"The lady is getting too fat to play with me." I rest my head on her lap. " _Please_ play with me? Please? Please? Please? Pretty please? Please? Please? Please? Please? I'm so bored! Please? Please? Please? Please? Pl..."

"Fine!" she screams and jumps off the bed. "Follow me then. Anything to save me from your insufferable pleading."

Angry female almost runs outside. Yay, we're going to play fetch! Oh, look at that. It's one of those things to cross water with. I'm going to pee on it! There, all done. I rule this place too now. "Angry female, play with me!"

"Very well, I shall play with you." With a weird smile she goes down on all fours. "But we shall play on my terms, then." And just like that, angry female is gone. There is an animal where she was. This animal looks a little like a dog, but not really. It has thick, grey fur and a long snout. Yellow eyes, like angry female's. They look better on this animal.

"Uhm, angry female?" I step close and sniff the animal. It does smell like her. "What are you?"

"Yes, 'tis I," she says in a bark. Gasp! Now she _really_ talks like me! "I have taken the shape of a wolf." And so she speeds away. "Catch me if you can!"

A wolf? I learned a new word, and got to see a new animal. Neat! Oh, oh, got to catch her. Oh boy! Playtime! Yay!


	5. Friends?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stubbs welcomes the latest addition to the party with suspicion.

### Friends?

"Yay lady, you killed it!" My tail starts wagging. I'm so proud of my lady! She can kill things with fire and stuff, and now with weapons too. Yay! She doesn't believe it, but it's true. I saw it myself. The human hurt her, and she hurt it right back. She hurt it until it was dead.

One of the enemies is still alive. It's one of those small humans, with pointy ears. I don't like this one, even if it smells kind of nice; he wanted to kill my lady. What would I do without my lady? Follow Tin Can? Nah. He's nice, but he talks too much. The lady is the only one for me. I love her. She feeds me, pets me, and rubs my belly. I don't want a lot else. Well, a mate, maybe. Someday.

What? Why is Pointy Ears coming with us? Why? He tried to kill you! No, nice female, don't untie him! The lady is too nice sometimes. I would have just killed him. Oh, I'm going to have to watch him. Yes. To protect my lady. I growl at the pointy eared human, and he looks at me like he's scared. Yay! I'm fearsome! Roar!

~*|'-'|*~

"I don't trust you!" I tell the new human. He says nothing. "You hear me? I don't trust you!" Why is he staring at my lady? He better not try to sniff her butt. Or isn't that something humans do? I don't know. Maybe he stares because of all the food she's eating. The other females don't eat this much. The lady eats a lot. I think that's why her belly is getting bigger. It used to be just a little round, and now it's rounder. Not really big, but if she keeps on eating like this, soon she won't be able to walk upright anymore. Ooh, she's looking at me. The lady makes me so happy.

~*|'-'|*~

"Must you follow me about so?" Heh, Pointy Ears talks funny. He isn't happy. I still don't trust him, and the lady said I should watch him. In case he tries to kill her again. "Truly, can you not sleep in your mistress' room?"

"Nope!" I follow him in and jump on the bed. Ooh, comfy. "The lady says I have to watch you. I don't trust you."

Pointy Ears sighs. "That is just marvellous. I am stuck in this cold, unforgiving place and now my room will smell like dog too."

"What's wrong with dog smell? Dog smell is good!" I roll around on the bed. It's nice. I wish I had a bed for myself always. "I like sniffing other dogs. They smell fine to me."

"Off the bed with you!" He is angry. "I will not share my sheets with a smelly mabari."

I jump off. "Humph. Okay, fine. I'll stay on the floor. But I still don't trust you!"

"That is much better." Pointy Ears takes off his smooth, greenish pelt. Creepy! You're not supposed to be able to take off your skin! This one is brown under that pelt. The others are all whitish. These humans can all remove their pelt. Eep. They have no hair at all, do they? Tin Can does, though. He has fur on his chest, under his metal hide. How do they keep themselves warm? With fabric things, of course. The new human crawls under the covers. "Well, goodnight, dog."

"Goodnight, Pointy Ears." I sit near the edge of the bed so I can watch him very well. "Have I mentioned that I still don't trust you?"

~*|'-'|*~

Hey, there's the skinny human again! The lady's friend is out of his cage. I followed Pointy Ears into this room (he behaved the entire night and now I'm tired), and there were all these people, putting food on a table. Human food; I want a bone, or some meat. Still waiting. They did give me a bowl of water though. Nice of them. I'm even sitting on a chair. It's not as cold as the ground, so my butt doesn't get frozen. That's good. Oh, smells like the lady and her friend have been mating! And the lady looks much happier. Yay! She was a little sad, after she came back from her old house. She wouldn't tell me why. Tin Can said something about her losing her mate. That is sad. If I would lose the lady, I would be sad too. Not that the lady is my mate, but she is my... My everything! Except for mate. That would be wrong.

Oh, there they go, the lady and her friend. He stole her food while she was talking to Pointy Ears and Tin Can, and touching her too! I looked under the table when I noticed how the lady's smell changed. Nobody can fool me. She didn't seem to mind, so I didn't bite him. She didn't even seem to feel it. That is funny. Because he was touching her special place. When _she_ touches it, she makes a lot of noise. Maybe the skinny human wasn't doing it right. I bet they are going to mate now. They both smelled like they were ready for it. Humans sure like mating. When will I get to mate?

The two are hardly out of the room before Tin Can and Pointy Ears start talking about them. "Do you also get the feeling that they are more than just friends?" Pointy Ears whispers in that funny voice of his.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous." Tin Can sounds angry; he doesn't like Pointy Ears. That's smart, because Pointy Ears could be dangerous. "She told me they've been friends most of their lives. You weren't with us the last time we came here; they seem very close, but not _that_ close."

I can tell them what's really going on. "They're mating!"

"Friends with benefits, perhaps?" Pointy Ears laughs. "Who could resist a woman like that?"

Hey, don't ignore me. "You guys!" I say. "I'm telling you, they're mating!" This would be much easier if they understood me.

Tin Can gives Pointy Ears an angry look. "I'm warning you: don't try anything funny with her."

" _They_! _Are_! _Mating_!" This is so... What's the word? Fr... Frustrating. Yes. Again they ignore me and now start fighting about the lady. " _Mating_!" Still nothing. Aw... These humans never listen to me.


	6. Presents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stubbs and Wynne don't see eye to eye. He's not too crazy about Goldanna either.

### Presents

Not long ago, an old female joined the lady's friends. She's nice and has a soft voice, even though she complains about how I stink. I get a lot of exercise and busy dogs become smelly dogs. Yep. She even complained to the lady about it, and then the lady said I would fell the enemies with my stench! Yay! Fear me, for I am _stinky_! I will burn your noses clean off.

Today I took a bath though, and White Hair is much nicer to me. She pats me on the head. "You are a handsome canine specimen, aren't you?" More petting. Oh boy! "Yes, you are."

"Thanks! I don't know what a canine specimen is, but I sure get handsome!" I lick her hand.

"Oh, but look at that tiny stubby tail." How rude! Why do they pull my tail sometimes? I don't like it much. "Would you like a nicer tail? I could give you a long, swishy tail, if you liked." She waves her big stick around. I want her to throw it for me. "Just a wave of a wand and poof! Tail. You'll adore it, I promise."

I sit down, so she can't touch my tail anymore. "No, thank you. You humans pull it enough as it is. A longer tail will you only make you want to pull it more."

"Oh, hey guys." There we have the lady. She gets on her knees to give me a hug. Yay! "What are you talking about?"

"She wants to make my tail long!" I give her a big kiss on the face. "Stop her!"

The old female says: "I just thought a nice, swishy tail might please him, but it seems he doesn't like the idea. How about a different colour fur then? Maybe spice up that drab brown with some red, or blue..." Her eyes suddenly become more sparkly. "Or violet, even!"

"I don't think he minds the colour of his fur," the lady laughs. See, she understands. "He seems perfectly happy being brown."

"I love you, lady." I rub my face against hers. "You get me."

White Hair also sits next to me. "But don't wardogs need to be pretty too?" Ooh, I don't like the way she's looking at me. "Yes, you want to be a pretty, pretty dog."

"No! No, I don't want to be pretty. Being pretty won't kill my enemies!" What is _wrong_ with her?

"That's right, you just love attention, don't you?" Firmly she strokes my chest and back. Good petting. Yes. More. "And you want antlers..." Wait, what, antlers? Horns? _Me_? "A big, swishy tail and ant-..." That does it! My tail is fine, my fur is fine and I don't need antlers. Come with me, big stick. We're going to run for a while. Maybe the giant will throw you for me. "Hey!" the old female yells when I run away. "He... he made off with my staff! Perhaps I underestimated his intelligence."

" _Bwahahahaha_!" The lady laughs, rolling over the ground like I would in a pile of rotten fish. "You probably took it a little too far with those antlers."

Yes. No antlers for me. Never, ever, ever. Oh no! Faster! The old female is chasing me! She must really want to give me those antlers. Can't catch me!

~*|'-'|*~

Hmmm, I like this place. It smells like dogs here. If the lady lets me, I'll go find them. See if I can find a playmate. Or see what this mating is all about. On the way here, some people tried to kill the nice female. For shame! But they're dead now, so that's good. They even had a mabari with them. A female one... She made my tail wag, but she was mean. That was no good. I didn't want to kill her, but I had to. She would so have killed me. And anyone else she could sink her teeth in. Dangerous.

We kill a lot, even here. We went into a house, and there we killed a male human. He had a dead man lying around his house. Ew. And then we went into another house, where we had a fight with this funny-talking female. She was the nice female's master, long ago. Funny, I didn't know humans could have masters. When the funny talking female and the males helping her were dead, nice female became sad. Very sad. Didn't even want to go looking around this city with us anymore.

I'm with the lady and Tin Can right now. He's talking about his sister. Tin Can has a litter mate! I wonder if she has such a hard outer shell too. Will she come with us? What should I call her, if she's like a tin can too? Hmm, this house is small and dirty. And Tin Can's sister doesn't look like him at all. She's going to make him sad, I know it. This female is unhappy, and because she is unhappy, she becomes angry. What did I say? Blaming poor Tin Can for her sad life. Her meanness makes my fur stand on end, and I growl at her. Don't like her. Tin Can is getting sadder and sadder. Oh no. I guess we're going to leave. Good. The lady makes that middle finger gesture that makes people all angry. Yes, that mean female deserves it. I don't think she's coming with us for adventures. "Meanie!"

~*|'-'|*~

I'm sad. Because Tin Can is sad. He drank a lot of funny-smelling liquid, kind of like in the place with all the people that time. I'm also happy, because I have a nice bone. What is Tin Can doing, rubbing his face against the lady's belly? If he's trying to sniff her butt, that is totally the wrong way to do it. Her butt isn't anywhere close to where his nose is right now. Humans have funny noses. He's given up trying. Yes, just wait until she's not sitting anymore.

White Hair is here, with the angry female. What's happening? Tin Can is acting so strange. I thought he didn't like the angry female, but there he is, holding her. Weird. Angry female doesn't like it much though. Angry female is angry again. And Tin Can is sad. "Awww..." I lay my head on his leg. Humans like this, I think. Time to go. I better not forget my bone. It's a good bone. Yum.

~*|'-'|*~

"Not on the bed, Stubbs." White Hair shoos me away. I wanted to sleep in the lady's room, but I think she'll be busy helping Tin Can feel better. And what better way to make someone feel better than mating? It seemed to work for the lady. Although maybe that's a little mean, because she is the skinny human's mate. Do humans mate for life? Doesn't seem so. Humans are pickles. Is that the right word? That they change their minds quickly?

"I'll sleep on the floor then." Again. The carpet is comfy though. "Do you know what's wrong with Tin Can?"

White Hair looks down on me. "Are you concerned for Alistair? I would not worry about him too much; your mistress will look after him. He is sad now, but he will mend eventually."

"Okay, if you say so." I make a few circles on the carpet, to find the best spot. Here? Yes. Perfect.

"Would you happen to know if he and your mistress are... mates?" She eyes me curiously.

"They weren't before." I rest my head on my paws and get really comfy. "She was mating with that skinny human."

The old female sighs. "That did not sound like a yes, but how I wish I could understand you."

"Me too! We could have better talks." I roll onto my back. "Rub my belly!"

Laughing, White Hair says: "Anyone would be able to understand _that_." She sits on the carpet to stroke my tummy. "I am simply a tad worried for Alistair. Your mistress is far more experienced in matters of love than he is." Sad voice.

"Are you afraid she will hurt Tin Can? He is her best friend, you know." I think she loves him almost as much as she loves me. The lady is great. "Don't worry, old female. The lady will never hurt him."

"Were you just trying to reassure me?" White Hair pats my belly one last time. "Was that what you were saying?"

"Yes." I lie on my stomach again. "Thanks for the belly rubbing."

The old female smiles. "You are a good dog." She goes into one of her bags. "Look, I bought this for your mistress." Clothes. They look a bit like what the lady was wearing the very first time I met her. Only a different colour and shorter. "Do you think she will like them?"

"Yes! She will love them!" Ooh, presents for the lady. I should get her a gift too. Maybe... Yes, I know. I will kill her a rabbit or something, and put it in her pack as a surprise! Oh, she'll be so happy!


	7. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stubbs has a very serious talk with his lady's new companion.

### The Talk

Now that the lady's mate is coming with us, I had better talk with him. He is going to treat the lady right, or else. If he makes her sad, I'm going tear up his clothes so he has to walk around in his bare skin and gets cold. The others might laugh at him. And I will pee on everything he has. Which isn't much, actually. He shares with the lady, because he doesn't have his own sleeping place. That's what they say anyway. I think their mating is a big secret. Not even Tin Can knows. I'm not supposed to know either, but they can't fool me. Nope.

What does she see in this skinny human? I don't get it. He doesn't look very strong. Maybe he is just very good at mating. Will they have puppies someday? I have never seen a human puppy. They must be neat. But I was going to talk to the lady's mate. Don't forget. I should name him. Stick is a good name; he kind of looks like one. There he is, by the fire. Tin Can is around here somewhere, making sure there are no enemies. Good. "Hi!"

"Stubbs!" He rubs my ears. "How are you, boy?" More petting, yay. "Look at you, so big and strong... Your mistress is very proud of you, yes, she is."

"Thanks!" I show him my belly. "Pet me!"

Stick laughs and puts his hands on my tummy. So warm from the fire. Comfy. "I can see why she loves you so much. Nice dog." Long strokes. Yes. "Who's a good dog?"

"I am!" So... Good... My tail is wagging so fast right now. What did I come here for again? Oh yes, talking. "Hey, I wanted to..."

Suddenly something that looks like leather but smells like meat is dangling over my nose. Meat... Mmm... Meat and petting. "For you, my canine friend." Stick drops it, and I catch it with my mouth.

"Chewy!" It tastes good. I like this special meat. "So..." I roll over so I am back on my stomach. "We need to talk about you and my lady."

"That sounded like a very serious bark." He pats my head. "But you should know that I can't understand you."

"Oh, no." I cover my eyes with my paws. "Only angry female and the giant understand me! I really wish you humans were smarter."

Stick gasps. "That's so cute!" Then he sighs, sounding very sad. "Oh, man."

"What's wrong?" He looks very sad too. Poor Stick.

"Bah, I don't know if joining you all was a very good idea." Another sigh. "I love Tori to bits, but she should've just let the templars pick me up. Nobody here really likes me." Stick looks at me with his kind of creepy pale eyes and scratches his head. "Not only does Sten look at me as if he wants me to spontaneously burst into flames, Astoreth tells me Alistair used to be in training to become a templar. With me being a blood mage, well, you can imagine how that doesn't mix very well."

Blood mage? Templar? What are _those_? I kind of understand him though. It's tough being the new guy. At first, angry female didn't like me. Well, she still doesn't like me, but now I ignore it. It's not my fault if she can't see how awesome I am. And angry female doesn't really like anyone anyway. I sit close by my new friend and rub my face against his arm. "Well, _I_ like you."

"Aw, that's so sweet." Stick hugs me. He isn't as bony as I thought he would be. "Look at me, pouring my heart out to a dog. At least you're a good listener."

"I'm a good speaker too, you just don't understand me. Do you have another one of those leathery meat things?" I poke my nose into his pocket. There is one here, I can smell it.

Stick laughs. "Hoping for another bit of jerky, huh?" Oh, that is a nice big piece. "This time I'm going to make you work for it." He tears off a small bit and tosses it up. "Catch."

"Yay!" I jump up. The meat just lands in my mouth. "Yum!"

Stick throws the pieces higher and higher. Still too easy for me. This is fun though. I get to play _and_ eat. At the same time! "You know, Stubbs," he says between throws. "I get the feeling that you came to me with a reason."

"That's true." Oh no, I almost missed this piece. Can't have that.

"I've seen how protective you are of your mistress, and I'm sure you know what she and I do when we are all alone." His face turns a little red. "You are probably afraid I will hurt her, or something. I would never do that. She has always been my dearest friend." Instead of throwing another piece, he just drops the entire thing at my feet. Works for me. "Has she told you how we became friends?" With another sigh, not sad this time, he stares into the fire. "At first when she came to the tower, we didn't talk much. Or at all. She was mostly crying; then again, what can you expect from a child who'd just been taken away from her home? Later she calmed down, but she rarely ever smiled or even spoke. Astoreth was like a ghost then, so quiet hardly anyone ever noticed her. I did though." Stick smiles to himself. "She looked so different from all other girls in the tower. The raven hair, large dark eyes, lightly tanned skin. And much shorter than anyone else! Don't you think she's small?"

I look up from my meat. "Yep. Tell me more." This is a nice story. I didn't know the lady was like that before. Now she seems very happy. Most of the time.

"So anyway, I think I was about ten years old when I came out of the library, sick and tired of studying, and on my way to take a nap, I find none other than little Tori sitting at the base of the stairs, sobbing and nursing a skinned knee. Her tearful eyes nearly broke my heart. So, I whisked her away to the infirmary." He laughs, patting my head. "Enjoying that jerky?"

"Oh yes, thank you." It's so chewy it will last for hours. Like a bone, but with more flavour.

Stick nods. "Where was I? Oh yes. The healer wasn't there, but I knew which jar contained the right healing poultice. I applied way too much to her knee, and wrapped it with way too long a bandage. The wrapping was so thick she couldn't even bend her leg. Still, her tears had dried, and she hugged me. Since then we've been best friends." His smiling face turns sour. "Until I met Lily and messed everything up."

"Wow. You made my lady feel better!" I lick his hand. Meat flavoured. "A friend of my lady is a friend of mine."

"Seems like you've been reassured." Stick hugs me, and I lick his face. "Oh, yuck! Has anyone told you that you don't have the best-smelling breath?"

I hang my head. "Well, yes. I tried my best to make it better, but nothing works." My bad breath will haunt me until the day I die.

"Oh, don't be sad." Stick softly pets my back. "I didn't mean it like that. How about I rub your belly some more, huh?"

"Yes!" Who cares about bad breath? I'm getting attention! Lots of it! Stick really knows how to make a dog a happy dog. Oh joy. His hands are so warm.

I hear the sound of metal against metal. "Ah, pampering the pooch, are we?" Tin Can says. "I don't know why there even is a night watch; nothing ever happens."

"Uhm, better safe than sorry?" Stick sounds nervous.

"I take it my fellow Warden told you about my past." Tin Can laughs and sits down next to the other human. "There's no reason for you to start shaking whenever you're around me. As long as you don't use your blood magic for evil, we'll get along just fine." He pats the skinny man on the shoulder. They should become friends. That would be nice. "And now that Arl Eamon is all better, your poisoning of him is just water under the bridge."

Poor Stick is still so scared of Tin Can that he can barely look at him. "Really? Do you mean that?"

Tin Can shrugs. "Yes. Don't worry about the others either; they'll warm up to you eventually."

"Thanks, Alistair. That means a lot to me." Wow, he sure sounds relieved.

With a smile Tin Can jumps up. "No problem. And now..." He pulls a big stick from behind his back. Hey, I know those things! "We shall play fetch with Stubbs so we don't die from boredom! Are you up for it, boy?"

"Am I ever!" I rise to my feet, wagging my tail. Playtime! I follow Tin Can as he runs off.

"Hey!" Stick isn't happy. "Don't use my staff as a toy! Come back here!"

Tin Can laughs. "Oh, come on, Jowan, what else were you going to use it for? Catch!" The stick whizzes through the air. Oh boy! He can throw so far. Tin Can is right. This is a perfect use for those big sticks.

 


	8. Tasty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner time!

### Tasty

Oh no! The lady and Stick are cutting up one of those creepy animals! What were they called again? Dark stalkers? The ones with the long necks that live here in the dark, under the ground. Is she… is she going to put them in our food? _Ew_. They don't look tasty at all. Although… Mmm, the meat does smell nice like that. Cooked. Wait. No! I should stop them! "Angry female, angry female!"

She looks at me, angry again. "What is it now?"

"You know the lady's surprise dinner? Guess what it is!"

Angry female rolls her eyes and sighs. "Let me see… Beetroot and turnips perhaps? To my knowledge, we are out of meat. What is the fuss about, silly dog?"

"Wrong!" I make circles around her. I can taste those dark stalkers on my tongue almost, and it's not tasty. "The lady and Stick are putting dark stalker in the food!"

"Deepstalker, you mean," angry female laughs. "Ah, your mistress is simply being creative with our food. Do not worry yourself, Stubbs." She pats me on the head. "Deepstalker is not poisonous in any way. Dwarves eat them, you know."

Bleh. "They do? That is so icky. But you don't mind?" Do these humans have no taste at all? What is wrong with them? How can they like deepstalker, but not like bones? So weird.

"No, not at all. Food does not have to be delicious to be nourishing." She returns to her grinding her plants. "Now be gone, shoo."

"Fine!" I should find someone else to complain to. "Giant, giant!"

The enormous male looks up from his enormous sword. "Yes?" Our talking statue is standing next to him. Isn't that neat? We have a walking, talking statue! It's really smart too, even though it can't understand me.

"The lady wants to make us eat deepstalker!" Just the thought of it makes me gag. It did smell nice though, going in the big pot. Still. Those creatures were creepy.

"What is the dog all excited about?" the statue asks. "Does it need to go out for a walk?" It laughs, kind of scarily. "If I crush it, it will never be bothered by these bodily functions again. Would the puppy like that, hmm?" It scratches me under the chin with its stone fingers.

I scramble back. "No, don't crush me! Giant, stop the statue!"

"Shale, leave the dog alone," he tells it, his voice warning. "So your mistress will feed us deepstalker? I am not bothered by this, and neither should you. As long as I am properly nourished, I am content."

"You are crazy." Do I have to stop the lady myself? Seems so. Aw, look at them. They're cuddling. That's so cute. I think Stick loves her a lot. Almost as much as I love her. And the lady loves him too. They have been friends since forever. Too bad Stick wasn't with us from the start. Then again, what about Tin Can? He likes her a lot too. Oh, there would have been fighting. That's bad. It's fine this way, I think. Look at her belly. It's so round. What is _in_ there? She eats too much; no wonder she is always tired. Huh. Pointy Ears is secretly watching them. That's weird. The lady calls him a purr… Pervert. Yes. I don't know what that is. Wait, I'm watching them too. Am I a pervert?

Pointy Ears sneaks away. He probably didn't think the lady and Stick would be cuddling. Oh, and there he is again, with Tin Can in tow. Oh, for shame, Pointy Ears! He wanted to show Tin Can how the lady and Stick would be mating. Mean. Not nice. But Tin Can doesn't believe him. Heh. The lady can feel it when Tin Can comes close. Funny, huh? Stick says the food is chicken. Lies. Chickens don't look like that.

***

"Wow, this is _really_ good." Tin Can is eating the food. Happily. "You two should cook together more often." This is his fourth bowl, I think.

The lady and Stick look at each other and smile. "You're welcome," she says.

"You could've made it even better with those," Firefur says, looking at the little animals the lady brought. They look like bunnies. Without fur. I like them. They are my friends, but they don't talk much. Firefur is new too. He's a little human, just like the two that angry female chased away. His fur looks like fire. Half of his face is covered with it. "But I gotta say, Warden, this is some fine stew."

"Don't you look at my Schmooples like that!" The nice female grabs her bunny and hugs it. "You will never be part of our diet, my little darling."

Stick nods and picks up his own rabbit. It's a lot smaller than the nice female's. "That's right. Sorry, Oghren, but if you want a taste of nug, you have to get your own."

"I don't get you humans," the little human sighs. "Who would want a nug for a pet? You might as well put a turnip on a leash."

"Now that's an idea!" Tin Can laughs. "I would call mine Nippy."

The lady laughs too. "And you would hug it, and pet it, and love it forever?"

"For sure!" Tin Can scratches his head. "Until I get hungry, I suppose. Then it's bye-bye Nippy."

Angry female says: "Ah, 'tis good to see you are practical, Alistair."

"What do you mean?" I ask. "What is practical?"

"It means," she answers, her yellow eyes sparkling, "that when we run out of food, we will eat you, Stubbs."

Gasp! "You wouldn't!" I look at the lady. "You wouldn't, would you?"

"Oh, Morrigan, don't tease him like that," the lady laughs. "Of course we won't eat you! You're part of our team. Here, have some stew." She lays a bowl at my feet. Deepstalker stew. Oh no.

"I don't want it…" There are pieces of deepstalker floating in it. It smells good though.

Angry female pats my back. "Try it, silly animal. 'Tis very good."

"Yeah, dog, quit your whining." Firefur gives me an angry look. "You gotta eat what's cooked, or hunt for your own food."

My stomach growls. I'm no good at hunting, and this does smell great. "Well, okay…" Just a little lick first. Oh. Wow. This is _good_. Who would have thought that those creepy long-necked beasts could taste so good? When I bit one, it was icky. The lady is the best with a cooking pot. The best ever.

 

 


	9. Adventure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stubbs tries to keep the peace between Morrigan, Zevran and Oghren as they fetch Sten's sword.

### Adventure

I miss the lady a little, but Pointy Ears said we were going to get something for her. So of course I am going to help. Without me, this whole thing will not go well. They need me. Angry female most of all. Pointy Ears and Firefur keep looking at her teats and she doesn't like it. I wonder why? She doesn't have them covered like the lady and the other females do. Of course the males are going to look. How can they not? They are right _there_.

"Cease your staring, right now," she angrily tells Firefur.

"Wear something half-way decent, and I will." Firefur laughs, taking a drink. He always has something to drink with him. "Even the knife-eared pipe-cleaner can't keep his eyes off your tits."

I nudge Firefur. "You're getting it wrong. They're called _teats_ , not tits."

"Ah, you like old Oghren, don't you Pooch?" He pets my head. "Yeah, Oghren's your friend!" With a loud burp, he laughs and swings around his drink. Firefur begins yelling about stuff, but he's not important right now. I will not pull his cart.

"Get your filthy hands off me!" screams the angry female. Pointy Ears has his arms around her; she's trying to struggle out of them. "You have no right to touch me!"

Bad Pointy Ears! I bite his butt; not hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough to hurt. He yelps and jumps away from angry female. "Ow! _What is the meaning of this_?" His eyes, yellow like tree sap, look angry.

"Leave angry female alone!" I howl. "I mean it! She's done nothing to you!"

"Yet," she adds. Creepy. "If I were you, I would listen to the dog. Lay those grubby little fingers on me one more time, and I shall punish you in worse ways than you can imagine."

Pointy Ears still doesn't look scared. "Oh, I can imagine a few ways…"

"Blood and damnation." Angry female sighs, frustrated. "I give up."

I keep myself between her and Pointy Ears. "Don't even think about touching her. I mean it."

"Thank you, Stubbs." Angry female's little hand scratches me between my ears. "On their behalf. Had it not been for you, I would have killed them both."

See? Good thing I came too.

~*|'-'|*~

Hmmm, I know this place. With the stinky humans, yes. They're all gone now. Smells fresh. "What are we doing here again?" Mmm, flower smell.

"Your mistress commanded us to retrieve the Qunari's sword," angry female answers. "The giant's sword, I mean."

"Indeed!" Pointy Ears laughs, rubbing his hands together. "Action! Adventure!" The hairy lines above his eyes wiggle. "Maybe even some romance, no?"

Firefur makes a funny noise. Like he's choking. "Ugh, somebody pass me a bucket!"

"From the way you pour alcoholic beverages down your throat, one would suspect you are one," angry female says. "I am most surprised you are still among the living."

Humans. Always fighting. I wonder why the lady sent _them_? "Whoa! You are a big animal!" a little voice near my foot squeaks. "Well, bigger than me, anyway."

"Huh, who's there?" I look down and see the tiniest, cutest little animal I have ever seen. Cuter even than the naked bunnies. Soooo fuzzy! Kind of like a mouse, but not really. "What are you?"

"I'm a hamster!" it squeaks. "I used to live with this human boy, but he left my cage open and now I'm on my own. Sweet freedom!" The hamster rubs its tiny paws across its whiskers, cleaning its little face. "So anyway, what's your name, big guy?"

I press my nose against its furry grey back. Smells like plants and earth. "I'm Stubbs. And you?"

"Tony." The hamster, no, Tony, climbs on my foot. "You're warm. What brings you to this place?" He (I think it's a boy) curls up into a cute and fuzzy little ball.

"My friends and I are doing something for my lady. She sent me with them, because without me, they would fail."

Tony looks up at the others; his beady black eyes look smart. "Yeah, gee, I can imagine. Are they always fighting like this?"

"Pretty much." Angry female is yelling at Pointy Ears and Firefur seems to find it all very, very funny.

"Well, good luck with this bunch." Tony scratches behind his ear, very much like a dog would. "I'm a little hungry, so I'm going to find something to eat. Would you like to come too?"

"I can't, sorry." I hang my head. It would be fun, talking more with this fuzzy creature. "I have to watch them. Why don't you come with us?"

The hamster laughs, his voice squeaky. "No, I better stay where I know the place. Food doesn't find itself, you know. Goodbye, Stubbs!"

"Goodbye Tony!" Too bad he wouldn't come with us. The lady would love him. He could live in her pocket. When are they done fighting? I want to go back to the lady. I've gone unpetted for far too long.

~*|'-'|*~

Angry female smiles at the little person. She only does that when she wants something. The short man looks just like Firefur, only with dark fur. And less nice. I think they called him Dweeb. Something like that. "Perhaps you and I could work out a deal, hmm?" the angry female says, almost pushing her teats in Dweeb's face. Pointy Ears looks jealous.

"We also have money, if our lovely companion's offer does not tickle your fancy." Pointy Ears has such a funny voice. "Ten sovereigns for that giant sword, what do you say?"

One of the taller humans with Dweeb gasps: "Ooh, ten sovereigns?"

The other one says: "Hmmm, boobies..." Angry female should really cover up her teats if she doesn't like them being looked at. They get looked at a lot.

"I'll let you play fetch with me!" I add, sitting on my butt, paws in the air. Humans like this, but not this little one. I failed.

Dweeb pushes the angry female away. "First you barge into my house, and now you want something from me? Shove off!" He shakes his fist at us. "The Qunari sword is part of my collection, and you can all just stuff it." Stuff what? Where? I don't get it.

"How dare you push me!" Angry female shoves right back. "Knee-high piece of scum!"

The little person yells: "Boob-flashing strumpet!" Oh, if he pushes her again, I will bite his butt. Really, really hard.

Firefur has said nothing so far. But not anymore. "Now listen, you bleeding nug-humper!" he screams, waving around that huge weapon of his. "Either you _give_ us the sword, or I chop you in half!" I don't think I've ever seen him this angry. Firefur is angry. Angry female thinks it's funny, I can tell. She would laugh if she weren't so angry all the time.

"Careful now..." Dweeb raises his hands. His face is pale. Even his two friends look pale. "No need for that."

"Yes, I-I just cleaned the floor!" one of the tall humans says. The other is quiet; he just hides behind his friend. Funny.

"Then hand over the Qunari sword, _now_!" Firefur slams his weapon on the floor. One of the boards splinters apart.

Dweeb says several words I'm sure are rude. "It's in the backroom, here is the key." He hands Firefur a shiny key; the little man with hair like flames comes back with a sword almost as tall as he is. Wow. That's a big sword.

"Thanks for cooperating," says Firefur. "We're done here, let's go."

Yay! We did it! Now back to the lady. I better make sure these three don't kill each other. A dog's job is never done.


	10. The Hungry Puppy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new baby is an endless source of fascination.

### The Hungry Puppy

"Cute, isn't he?" Tin Can is holding the lady's puppy. It's sleeping. "He looks so much like his mother."

"Yes!" I'm curled up next to them, on the bed. I love how Tin Can doesn't mind me sleeping here. He is awesome. "I want to lick it, and cuddle with it, and love it forever!" The puppy likes me. It always tries to touch my nose, or pull my ear. Awfully quiet though. I wish it would say more.

Tin Can pats my head. "Yeah, I can see you like him too. Aren't you sad that Jowan is gone, though?"

"Who?" Is he talking about Stick? We left him at the tower. I don't know why exactly; all I know is that he had to stay there. That's kind of sad. He didn't seem too sad about it though. Stick told me to take care of the lady for him. I hope he doesn't mean I should mate with her, because that would just be wrong. I also met someone new, another tin can. With a head poking out this time! His hair looked a little orangey, but not like the nice female's. I wonder why he seemed all sad. Who is he anyway? Must be an old friend of the lady's. He seemed nice. Funny; the puppy's face kind of looks like his. Co... in… thingy? The thing when things seem to have a link, but don't? Gasp! You don't think... Nah. "Are _you_ sad, Tin Can?"

"I'll miss him, but you know..." He sighs. "It's terrible of me, I realize that, but I just... I'm actually a little glad that he left us."

Oh no! "That's not very nice. Why?" I don't get it. They were so friendly with each other.

"Do you..." Tin Can swallows and looks right at me. "Do you think Astoreth might actually...? No, never mind. What do you know anyway?" He laughs, rubbing my ears with one hand. The other hand has to hold the puppy. "You're just a dog. This kind of drama isn't for you."

"No, no drama. You guys feed me, I kill whatever you need me to kill." I roll onto my back. "And sometimes, you even play with me. I'm a lucky, lucky dog."

Tin Can sighs again. "Why is she so damned likeable?" he mumbles.

" _Oooooh_! You like the lady!" My tail starts wagging. I think Tin Can would be a good mate for her. He could protect her easily. But I don't know if she'll have him. Stick was all thin, and stuff. Maybe she likes to protect her mates instead? Weird. That's not what females are supposed to do. I guess it's different with humans. "Bring her a dead rabbit, she loves that. Females love dead rabbits."

"I don't know if... Oh, hey, little guy." Tin Can smiles at the new puppy, who just opened its eyes a little. Very dark eyes, almost like the lady. These look more like the other tin can's. Hmm… "I'm sorry, are we keeping you awake?" The puppy blinks and yawns. It's so cute. "Awww, aren't you adorable!" And now the puppy gets to be petted. What about me, huh?

I nudge Tin Can's arm. "Me too!"

Tin Can laughs. "No need to get all jealous..." Now both the puppy and I get attention. That's much, much better. "You're _both_ adorable, how's that?"

"Better!" I cuddle up to Tin Can. "You're awesome." The puppy makes a noise and pulls Tin Can's shirt. Uh oh... It needs food. And we don't have any!

"I'm sorry, little guy," Tin Can says. "Your mom will be here soon, just have some patience." I don't think it knows what patience is, because it's begun crying. Oh my Dog! Where is the lady? Where is she? Her puppy needs food! Poor little puppy won't stop crying. Tin Can can't feed it, he doesn't have milk! "No, no, Collin, don't cry! Astoreth will be here soon, I promise! What can I _do_?" Tin Can is going a little crazy himself. "If she doesn't come in here within five minutes, I'm going to bring this baby over to her! I don't care if that templar sees him!" Then he chews his lip. "No, wait... I'm sure that wouldn't go over well."

"Don't worry, Tin Can, the lady will be here." I hope. The lady only got her puppy yesterday, and now she is already leaving it alone? That's bad. We dogs are always with our mother, until we're old enough. This puppy isn't old enough. Poor thing. I nuzzle its little face. "Don't cry, little one. Your mother will come soon, you'll see."

"What is all this racket?" Angry female pokes her head into the room. "Are you going through another crisis, Alistair?"

I jump up. "No, it's the puppy! It's hungry and we have no milk!"

"Silly dog. Humans don't have puppies, they have _babies_ ," angry female tells me.

"Babies, puppies, horse radishes, who cares! You don't happen to have any milk, do you?" Tin Can asks, looking at angry female's teats.

It makes her angry. "Direct your gaze elsewhere! Give me the child." She comes closer and holds out her hand. "Come, Alistair, I will attempt to comfort him, so that you may stop your snivelling."

"O-okay," Tin Can sniffles. Wow. He's too upset to pick a fight with the angry female. This is new. And creepy. What's next? Maybe the earth swallowing us up? "Just be careful."

"I may not be an average woman, but I still have my maternal instincts." Angry female holds the pu… baby. "Yes, little one, stop crying," she coos. "Your mother shall be here soon, and in the meantime you have me to hold you. You like that, no?" Carefully she rocks it in her arms, but it doesn't stop crying. "I am much more pleasant than silly old Alistair, am I not?" Tin Can sputters a protest; angry female ignores him. "Yes, indeed. I… Hmm." Her yellow eyes flash and angry female sniffs. "There, his mother is at the door." She gives the baby back to Tin Can. And then just leaves without saying a thing. How rude.

But she is right. I can smell the lady. "I knew she would be here!" I don't know how angry female does it, because she isn't a dog and humans don't have such a strong sense of smell. Weird. Tin Can is still almost crying, and the puppy is getting louder. The lady is about to open the door and come in though, so everything will be just fine. Now I can take a nap. All this worrying is _so_ exhausting. Yawn.


	11. Place of Plants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stubbs could do with some more attention in the Dalish camp.

### Place of Plants

Ah... Everything here smells so fresh! Must be because this place is made of plants. I like it. Much better than the smell of blood. The pointy-eared humans here don't like the lady and her friends. That's weird. _I_ like her a lot. Maybe not all of her friends, but most of them. They're nice. Usually. I miss Stick. Stick was so awesome. His treats were the best.

"Where-wolves"? That hairless male in the dress said that. If those where-wolves are here, wouldn't they be "here-wolves"? Or "there-wolves", if they are somewhere else? I don't know where-wolves. Only normal wolves. They're like dogs, only different. Angry female can be a wolf if she wants to be. Weird, huh? I can only be a dog. The lady can only be a human. The giant can only be a giant. The statue can only be a statue. Angry female is special. I like her. Playing with her was fun. "Angry female?" I lick her hand. "Will you play with me again?"

"Absolutely not!" She swats my head. "Be quiet, beast. I am in no mood to deal with your silliness now. Go; bother your mistress." Angry female walks away.

Aww... No playing. So sad. I'm not even going to try; I know what she is like. Where _is_ everybody? I'll just follow the lady. She's going somewhere with White Hair. White Hair is talking a lot. I don't get most of it. She's sad, though. Poor old lady. Awww... "Please don't be sad, White Hair. I think you're awesome." Yay, she's petting me! Joy.

~*|'-'|*~

Heh, the lady was angry. She didn't do anything, but I could tell she was angry. That man was mean to her. It's not her fault she's a human. Ooh, I love it here. So fresh. Lots of things to see. Hey, look who's here. "Hi, Tin Can!" He even brought Pointy Ears, who isn't looking very happy. Tin Can is talking to the lady. Why aren't you petting me? Pet me! Someone? Aww... Fork. No, that's a bad word, even though the lady says it all the time. Naughty Stubbs. Hey, why are they laughing? I want to have fun too. Pointy Ears is angry at Tin Can. Why can't we all just get along? I trust Pointy Ears a lot more than I used to. He isn't dangerous at all. In fact, I think he really likes the lady. She likes him too, see? Wait. Why is she petting him and not me? Not fair. I'm leaving.

Humph. Dogs need love too, you know. Lots of it. I'm going to look for someone else to pet me. Angry female is close by; I can smell her. Yes, yes, there! Behind that tree. Aw, she doesn't have any time for me either. Her face is stuck to someone else's. Strange human habit, pushing their mouths together. Oh no! She isn't eating him, is she? The smears on that male's face look like blood. Doesn't smell like it. Not blood, then. Good. Ew, I don't want to watch this.

Who else would want to play with me? Hey, I found a stick. Stick would've played with me, if he wasn't too busy mating with the lady. I miss Stick. "Giant?" Look at him, sitting here. "Are you sleeping?" His eyes are closed. I drop the stick at his feet.

"No, I am not," he says, not opening his eyes. "I am centering myself."

"Oh." I don't even... "So, no playing? I have a stick."

The giant grunts. "Come back later."

Fork. The lady says it too. Feels good to say bad words. I pick up my stick. Oh, here is the statue. "Hey, statue, what are you doing?" Nothing, I think. It just stands there, staring at the giant.

"Leave me alone, dog, I am occupied." It tries to kick me, but I'm good at dodging. "Oh, that frame, those muscles, all that power, oh _yes_..." Is that drool? I didn't know statues could drool. Only me and the lady's puppy do that a lot, I thought. I was wrong. So scary. Going away now.

It's so boring. Maybe I should take a nap. But I want to play! It's not the time for naps. Fork, fork, fork. Nobody loves old Stubbs. I could stay here, I think. The pointy-eared people might need a good, strong mabari for something. Maybe they will hug me, and pet me, and-...

"There you are, beautiful boy!" Nice female hugs me. "What have you been up to, hmm?" How she pets is amazing. Great hugs, too. She takes my stick. "Shall we play?"

Oh boy, wishes do come true!

~*|'-'|*~

"No, lady, don't go without me!" I need to protect you. "I want to come with you." I grab her sleeve and pull. "Please?" She needs me, you know. Tin Can is good and all, but he can't do everything.

"I'm sorry, sweetie." The lady sits down, hugging me. "I need you to stay behind and protect Collin, all right?" Her hands are warm on my ears. "You'll do a good job."

My tail starts wagging, all on its own. "Yes! Of course I will." The puppy needs me too. It's so small and helpless. "Good luck then, lady. Come back soon." I give her big kiss. "I will miss you."

"Aw, sweetie, I wish you would stop that," says the lady, wiping her face. No chance. I love giving my lady kisses. She is the best ever. I like watching her and the puppy. She loves it so much. "Thank you for keeping an eye on my boy," she tells the angry female. "I will be back as soon as I can."

Angry female nods. "You had better make sure of that, my friend. Your child will only tolerate your absence for so long."

The lady says nothing. There they go into the forest: the lady, Tin Can, White Hair and the statue. I know the lady is sad to leave her puppy behind. But she has to. It can't come with her. Too dangerous. I feel sad for them. "Angry female? Can I stay with you and the puppy?"

"Those are your orders, are they not?" She smiles ( _smiles_!) at the puppy and looks around. "Come. Let us find a place to settle down." Angry female chooses a big tree with soft grass at the base. "This looks suitable." She sits, her back against the tree. The lady left some food here. Hm, a snack would be nice.

"I approve." The grass feels good against my belly. Comfy. "Hi, puppy!" It makes a noise and touches my nose. It's so cute. "Who is a good puppy? Yes, you are!" Oh my Dog, it's almost as cute as I am.

Even angry female likes it. She is speaking to it and petting its little face. The puppy laughs, grabbing one of the sparkly round things around her neck with its little paws. "My, you are a curious little fellow." Everything it does is adorable. I could learn from it. More petting for me then.

"Angry female, why does the puppy smell so different now?" Sniff. What is that? I have smelled it before. Oh, I know. "Is it poop?"

Her nose wrinkles. "I believe you are correct. Ugh, the stench is well nigh unbearable." She peels off the puppy's outer fur, which is still weird, and there it is. Poop. Wow, puppies poop _a lot_. "Well, Collin, I can hardly wait until you are house-trained," says angry female, wiping its butt. "Then you may do this for yourself."

"I don't know, smells fine to me." Poop isn't so bad. Everybody poops.

"Get away from there, filthy creature." Angry female makes a hole in the ground to bury the poop and stuff in and puts the skin back on the puppy. It's laughing again; I bet it's because angry female looks so funny. "Oh, now we must find another place to sit. I cannot stand the smell."

Good thing there is so much room here.

~*|'-'|*~

"Lady! You're back!" That didn't take as long as I thought. "We had so much fun. Your puppy is awesome."

The lady smiles, a bit sad. "I'm sorry, Stubbs, we'll be leaving again soon." No! Aw, I thought she would stay. At least she is here for now, visiting the puppy. What is angry female doing, touching the lady's teats? Oh, I see. That's where she keeps the puppy's food. Duh... I drank from my mother's teats too, when I was a puppy. Makes sense. Firefur is watching the lady and angry female collect the food. He likes what he sees, I guess. Look at him smile. Aw... I haven't seen him this happy in a while. He usually drinks a lot of stinky water and then cries until he falls asleep. That's not good. Firefur needs hugs.

"Hey! Tin Can!" I run around my friend. "Can we play, just a little?" Oh boy, I hope we can.

"Well, if it isn't my favourite critter in the whole world," says Tin Can, stroking my ears. "Found a stick, did you? Not that they're few and far between, in this forest." He takes the stick. "Ready?" Run, run, run! Wow, he can throw _so_ far. The stick is somewhere between the plants here; is this it? No, that's not my stick. This one? Too small. This one is too pointy. Too thick. No, no, no.

I never thought I would ever say this, but this place of plants has too many sticks.


	12. I Knew Him Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not even Stubbs can keep it dry when returning to Ostagar.

### I Knew Him Well

Oh, we're back here... I met the lady for the first time, somewhere around here. I was really sick and she made me all better. With only one flower. She's good like that. I had almost forgotten. All the death and smoke and fire. This place makes me feel bad. But I have to go with my lady; I must protect her, always. Especially here, because I couldn't the first time. The puppy is fine with angry female. She really has a way with puppies. I think she loves it almost as much as the lady does.

My friends are always fighting over who gets to come on these adventures. Even though it's very dangerous. Humans are fearless! Just like mabari. We have a lot in common. Oh, _I_ am coming on this adventure. They can't stop me. Even if the lady tells me to stay. This is too important. The lady and Tin Can look fierce, but they can get sad too. Bad things happened here. They need me.

Why are we bringing Pointy Ears? Ugh. All he thinks of is mating, not fighting. Is that useful? See, he's already trying to mate with the lady and White Hair. "Leave them alone!" It's making them mad. We don't need that. It's dangerous here.

"Do not start with me, dog." Pointy Ears turns up his nose. "I shall say to them whatever I please. How about it, my lovelies?" No is still no. White Hair and the lady don't want him. Yes, you tell him! That should shut him up.

Wait. I smell darkspawn. I hate darkspawn!

~*|'-'|*~

Something is wrong with Tin Can. He looks so sad. Sad and angry. It's the darkspawn. I hate them too. A lot. They are the worst. We killed a lot of them, though. Dead darkspawn are good darkspawn. Their blood is filthy. It doesn't make me sick anymore. The lady did that for me. Is there anything she can't do? She's even making Tin Can feel better. With hugs. Hugs always work.

~*|'-'|*~

Here. This is the place. This is where I lived. It's cold now, and there is snow everywhere, but this is it. Every time we came back from the fighting, my old friends and me, we would sleep here. My old master is dead. Darkspawn. That is why I hate them so much. Also, they're really mean. They are always trying to kill the lady. And the others. Why are they like this? There are bad humans and there are good humans, even mediocre ones, but all darkspawn are bad. And ugly. Yuck.

Wait, wait. I smell someone I know. Faint. Who is that again? And then I see him. My friend. From long, long ago. He's hurt really badly. My best friend. Sleeping here, covered in blood and snow. He doesn't look the same, but I would know that smell anywhere. We all called him Fuzzy, because his fur was that way. Not sleek and shiny like mine, but with hair going everywhere.

Fuzzy hated his name, not that his master called him that. We dogs did, though, so he was fiercer than any of us. Because he didn't want a cute name like Fuzzy. What did they call me again? It was a stupid name, so I forgot. "Fuzzy! Wake up." I push my nose against his. This isn't right. He feels so cold and stiff. "Fuzzy?" Oh no. I thought-... No, I haven't thought of this place and all my old friends for a long, long time. "Please don't be dead." I nudge him again. "Please don't be dead, Fuzzy. I'm sorry I forgot you." I think he has been dead since then. Maybe even before I got better. No. Fuzzy is gone.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," says the lady. She sits beside us and pets me. "Did you know this one? Was it one of your friends? A puppy of your own litter?" Her eyes look sad. The lady gets me.

"No, not from my litter." I rest my head against the lady. This is nice. "We trained together as puppies, to become good fighting dogs. Aw, poor Fuzzy. I knew him well." Look at that collar. He was so proud of it, a gift from his master. I never got anything like that from my old master; the lady gives me treats and hugs, which is really all I want. But Fuzzy got that collar as a gift for his first kill. I've never seen him happier. The other dogs were jealous, even me. 'Who is fuzzy now?' he said. _'You_ still are,' the others said. And then he got mad. Still, he was proud and happy, because his master was proud of him.

What is the lady doing? No, that's Fuzzy's! She puts the collar around my neck instead. "See?" She rubs my ears with her soft hands. "Now your friend can always be with you."

Yes. That's right! It is like having a part of him with me. An important part. "Wow lady, you are so smart!" I give her a big kiss. Amazing. I feel so much better.

Goodbye, Fuzzy. I hope you're in a better place. When my adventures are over, I will see you there.


	13. Born to be Wild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stubbs and friends suffer from severe hunger pangs, but then go dancing.

### Born to be Wild

So... Hungry... The bone they gave me wasn't juicy at all. Even the yummy stuff in the middle was gone. How did they do that? It's too cruel. Poor me. Poor lady. She's hungry too, I can hear it. The puppy thinks the noises her belly makes are funny, because it laughs every time. How mean. No, it's cute. I just woke up from a dream. A dream about lots and lots of meat. I love meat. There is that belly-noise again.

"Stubbs, will you do something for me?" the lady says softly.

"What?" I say just as softly. Oh yay, she's going to find food! "Sure, lady. Anything for you." Have to keep the puppy safe. It's sleeping. I wonder if it's dreaming about food too. Joy, the lady is going to find me a snack. I need a snack. I need a _meal_. The puppy is lucky it has its mother to feed it. Or, I should say _baby_. Not used to it, probably never will be used to it. What's keeping the lady? I need to be petted. And fed.

~*|'-'|*~

Hooray! I get meat! Two pieces! Two _big_ pieces! Just for me! I am so happy right now. Mmm, this meat smells great. And it tastes even better. Happy day. I love the lady. She takes such good care of me. Love, love, love. My belly is happy. Oh, Tin Can doesn't look like a tin can today. Funny. Humans can change what they look like so easily. White Hair can give me a tail, but I don't want that. I am perfect just like this. Stupid tail would just get in the way. And I really don't want to be violet, whatever that may be. Isn't that a flower? I wouldn't be useful as a flower. Silly White Hair. What is Tin Can doing now? He is dancing on the table. So funny. Don't you think it's funny, lady?His singing isn't very good though. Lady, are you listening? Hey, stop staring at Tin Can like that! I'm here, you know. Nobody ever pays any attention to me. How about you, golden-furred female? Pet me? No? Maybe you'd feel better if you did. Oh well, if she's talking with the lady, maybe _she_ can help her.

~*|'-'|*~

The lady has made a new friend. The female with the long, curly golden fur on her head. They talk and talk and talk... About somebody named Sajorri, or something. I heard the new female's puppy has died. So sad. I wouldn't know what would happen if the lady's puppy died. Nothing good. I know that.

Tin Can has drunk too many of those foamy drinks. "Care for a dance, my lady?" He grabs my front paws and makes me stand on my back legs.

"Hey, what's the big idea?" Oh, dancing. This is fun. I'll forgive him for calling me a lady.

"What on Thedas are you doing, Stubbs?" a little voice says. It's Tony! His fur is a different colour than the last time – whiter – but it's him. Smells exactly the same. "I've never seen a dog do that."

I bark, because I'm so happy to see him again. "Hi, Tony! I'm dancing with Tin Can."

"Looks like fun." The hamster laughs and stands on his hind legs. "Look, I can do it too!" Just like us, he hops from paw to paw and turns and twists. "Not bad, eh?"

"That is _awesome_! Tin Can, look at Tony go!" But of course he isn't listening to me. He is singing again. "What do you think of his singing, Tony?"

The little creature scratches his ear. "I've heard better."

"I can do better!" I clear my throat. "Ready? Listen to this! _Get your horses running... Head out on the high road..._ " Tony is yelling, but I can't hear him. Too busy singing. He must be saying how good I am. Okay, okay, here comes the best part: " _Booooooooooooooorn to be wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild..._ Wasn't that good, Tony?" No answer. "Tony?" Huh, he's gone. Must have been called away or something.


	14. A Giant Mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stubbs shows his polite manners. That night, he is astounded by what he sees. Statements unrelated.

### A Giant Mystery

Pointy Ears and Tin Can were looking at the lady the whole time we were in the thingy. I don't know what it is called; we sit in it and then it moves. I love that thingy. So they were looking at her, the both of them. Tin Can secretly, Pointy Ears not so secretly. They want to mate with her. I can smell it. The lady wants it too. I can smell that as well. Humans are in heat all the time. How do they get anything done? The giant thinks they're stupid. I can tell. He has that look in his eye. He even said so himself. "How do you put up with these creatures?" the giant asked me. "You seem to be the most intelligent one in this group." When I said I love them, especially the lady, he growled. "Perhaps you are not as intelligent as I thought," said the giant. He can be very mean sometimes.

We walk a lot and now we don't. I like it. Sometimes even a mabari wants to be lazy. I can just lie there and nibble on my chew. My delicious, delicious chew. Tin Can called it a 'bull's pizzle'. Then they laughed. I wonder what that is. Tasty, though. And smells so good! Mmm. We're not in the thingy now. Other beasts make it move. Large, strong animals. They are shiny. I think I'll go talk to them. "Hello!"

They shake their heads. "Who is that?" says the brown one. "I can't see you." Their eyes are covered.

"My name is Stubbs." I get a little closer, but they still can't see. "I'm a dog."

"Ah, so that is the unfamiliar smell," the white one says. "How nice of you to talk to us."

The brown one's ears twitch. "Yes, nobody else ever does that."

"That's no fun," I say. "You seem nice." They are so big and so shiny. One of the humans, almost as tall as the giant, always takes care of them. I think he loves them a lot. They wouldn't be so shiny if he didn't, I think.

"Thank you very much." The brown one makes a laughing noise. Funny. "You seem nice yourself."

"But what is that ghastly smell that you possess?" asks the white one. "Not to say that _you_ stink, but you have something that does."

It must be my chew. My tail starts wagging just thinking about it. "That's my chew! I love it." How can they say it stinks? Smells great to me. It's not even here; I left it in the thingy.

"Hmm, well, there's no accounting for taste, I guess." Now the white one makes a laughing noise.

Oh, guess it's time to get back in the thingy. "Bye! Thank you for pulling us."

"Oh, such a well-behaved animal that is," I hear the brown one say behind me. Now that is a nice thing to say. Wish the giant would do that sometimes.

~*|'-'|*~

The darkspawn! They attacked us. I hate them. They're mean, ugly and smelly. Some of the humans are dead now. Poor humans. Now Tin Can is sad. Firefur is back though! Yay! I missed him. His smell, mostly. Still won't pull his cart. Where is my lady? There she is. I need help. My ear is hurt. "Lady, lady!"

"Aw, there is my sweet boy!" she says. Always so nice. "Have you killed a lot of nasty darkspawn, hm?"

"Yes!" Hundreds! Maybe not that many.

"Are you hurt?" The lady really loves me. Always worried for good old Stubbs.

I show her my ear. "Yes, lady, look." One of them hurts a lot. Blood is not funny if it is your own.

"Poor baby." She pats my head. "I will stitch it for you and then you'll be good as new."

"No!" Stitches hurt. No stitches. "I want that thing you do for Tin Can, when there's light and then suddenly it's better." I lick her hand. "Please?" Yay! She knows the thing I mean. But she has to clean my ear first. Fork. It stings. I know it must be done. Doesn't hurt less. The thing! It's done. Feels good. I love the lady. "Thank you, lady. I love you." I rub my face against her belly. Soft. "Love you lots." I wish she could understand me. But I know she loves me too. The lady is my best friend. I think I'll get my chew now. I deserve it.

~*|'-'|*~

There is something wrong with the lady. I don't know where she is, but I can feel it. She is sad. What could it be? Is it Stick? I miss Stick too. He was so nice and his treats were awesome. Or is it Tin Can and Pointy Ears being all weird? They better not be mean to her. Or maybe it's the giant being mean. He can be that way. There she is, by the fire!

No. Nuh-uh. I can't believe it. Is this real? Really? Is the giant really hugging my lady? I don't even... He is being so nice to her. Maybe he doesn't like all the others. And me. Why not? I'm great.

"Typical." Angry female's voice. Sounds like it's by my feet. Weird. "I try and I try and I try, but _she_ might be the one accomplishing my goal."

"Angry female?" It's her, but she looks different. Small and furry. A cat. "You can be a cat too?"

She licks her paw. "Certainly. 'Tis exceptionally suitable for spying."

"Cats are cute, but they smell weird." I look at the lady and the giant again. "I still can't believe it."

"Neither can I." Angry female cleans behind her ear, her voice angry. "What does he see in her? What does she have that I do not?"

Beats me. They're both female. Both want to mate. The lady is nicer, but I better not say that. "I don't know, angry female." Everything is safe. I'll go to my sleeping place now. "It's all a giant mystery."


	15. Sticks and Swords

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stubbs tries to play with Sten, but the latter displays some bizarre behaviour upon finding something in the Warden's pack.

### Sticks and Swords

Ooh, I like this place! Smells like dogs and all kinds of yummy stuff. I can't believe humans throw that away. It's perfectly good garbage. Nice for rolling around in. Some you could even eat. Oh yes, I remember now. We have been close to this place before. Tin Can's sister lives around here. She was mean. I don't think we will see her again. Poor Tin Can. He was so sad. But the lady is making him happy now. With hugs and lots of mating. Mating sure makes humans happy. When will I get to mate? Doesn't matter, I have stuff to do. Order of the day: kill darkspawn and protect the lady. No, first protect the lady, then kill darkspawn. Or protect the lady by killing darkspawn.

The lady wants to rest; can't blame her. She is always running around and doing stuff. She deserves it. This female in a tin can was mean to her today, because the lady said she was a bad dog. But I'm a good dog, she said. Yay! I wonder why she called her a dog? She didn't look like one; she didn't even smell like one. Humans are so weird sometimes.

I'll go exploring on my own. Who knows what I will find? Oh hey! There is Tin Can! "Tin Can!" I run up to him for petting, but he doesn't even see me. What is wrong with him? Straight to the lady's room he goes. And here is Beardy. Maybe Beardy is looking for Tin Can. They are family, the lady once told me. "You should leave Tin Can alone, Beardy," I tell him. "I don't think he wants to see you." Tin Can is important, the lady said. Duh. The lady loves him so much and he loves her right back. I still miss Stick though. Good old Stick.

The old human smiles and pats my head. "Good dog." Nobody understands me. Ugh. Why aren't they just a little smarter? There he goes again. Also to the lady's room, but I guess she told him Tin Can isn't there, because he is going somewhere else. Lies, I know he is in there. What does Beardy want from my friend? Another mystery.

~*|'-'|*~

What is so great about this "going out" the females are talking about? We are outside most of the time. Nothing to get all excited about. They won't even take me along. Girls only, says the nice female. Humph, well, I don't even _want_ to go. Why are they taking the statue, though? Gasp. Is the statue a _girl_? No… I don't think so. Must be because it is so good at carrying things and keeping the big bads away. I think I will hang out with the giant. See if I can teach him some manners. First though, I will eat this delicious meat the lady has given me. Yum.

~*|'-'|*~

"Hello giant." He looks at me and nods. I sit myself by his feet. "What are you doing?"

"I am caring for my blade." That is a big sword. The one the lady had us fetch. "She must remain in good condition."

Itchy. I scratch behind my ear. "You must love it a lot." He is always caring for that thing. It's sharp and shiny. I don't really get what he is saying. "What is a soul?"

"It is nothing to concern yourself over, Stubbs." The giant scratches between my ears. He gives good pettings too, but not very often. "A dog has no need for such concepts."

"No, I only care about protecting my lady." She is so awesome. Every time I think of her, which is a lot, my tail starts wagging. The lady makes me happy. "And killing those stupid darkspawn."

The giant puts away his sword. He looks like he is thinking very serious thoughts. "Your mistress surprises me, I must admit." He shakes his head. "A woman, a warrior and a mage." Another head shake. "It's baffling. Surely these cannot all be true?"

"I know, isn't the lady awesome? She can do anything!" My tail begins wagging even harder. Oh, I know why he is looking all funny like that. "You love her too, don't you? That is why you were cuddling her." Oh, I'm on to him. Nobody hides anything from Stubbs; I'm too smart.

"I wouldn't put it like that, no." The giant scratches his head. "She has, however, returned my soul to me. How could I not hold her in high esteem then?"

Hey! "We got your sword back, you know. Firefur, Pointy Ears, angry female and me!" The nerve. We had to work hard. Stupid Dweeb didn't want to give us the sword. Those silly humans kept fighting each other. I met Tony though, so it wasn't all bad. I think I did most of the work.

"I value you most of all, of course." Such good pettings… I lie on my back and let the giant stroke my belly. "You are a true warrior and have proven yourself worthy of my respect many times over." I don't know what respect is, exactly. Must be good though. "Shall I throw a stick for you?"

I jump to my feet; my tail is wagging so hard right now. "I thought you'd never ask!" I know where to find a stick. There it is. The lady doesn't use it much; she has a sword now. "Throw this for me."

"I doubt your mistress will appreciate that." He takes the stick from me. "Don't you have anything smaller?"

Oh yes, I was going to teach him manners. "You should be nicer to the lady, you know."

"I shall begin by returning her staff to her chambers," he nods. Good start. "Perhaps she even has a stick we might use."

"Look in her pack!" The giant finds a cloth thingy. There is something in it that looks like a small stick. Then he takes it out. That is definitely not a stick. "What is that?"

The giant's eyes suddenly look a lot bigger. His mouth opens, closes. "This…" Quickly he puts the thing away – it's made from metal and looks a bit like the lady's old house, only much smaller. Wonder what it's for. It smells like the lady's mating-scent. "This is really none of our business."

"Why is your face all red, giant?" I've never seen him like this.

"It isn't!" He puts the lady's pack back. "Come, we will surely find a stick outside."

What is the matter with him? Giants are weird too sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This explains a lot about some weirdness between Sten and Astoreth later on.


	16. Search Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stubbs and co. are sent out to find Leliana, who still hasn't returned from her bedroom acrobatics with Isabela.

### Search Party

Is it time to look for the nice female yet? I don't know. I know I don't want to be away from the lady, but they were going to do sneaky things and I had to stay behind. I'm not sneaky enough. Can we go already? I have to do _something_ , or I will go crazy. This tasty animal leg the lady gave me is really nice, but I can't be lazy all the time. "Angry female?" There she is, reading again. I bump my nose against her hand. "Is it time to look for the nice female yet?"

She looks up from her book. "Yes, 'tis well into the afternoon. I suppose we shall have to arrange a search party."

Gasp! "A party? Is that as much fun as it sounds?" I hope there are lots of snacks and music and dancing. I like dancing. Too bad Tin Can isn't here. He dances well.

"No, generally 'tis not." She sniffs. "But perhaps to you, however, even a search may be amusing. Shale!" She goes to the statue. "'Tis time. We must venture into the city and locate Leliana."

The statue sighs. "I am sure the sister is fine, swamp witch. It must understand that I am loath to drag myself through the city again, after carrying all that junk the Grey Warden insisted on buying."

"Very well." Angry female folds her arms before her chest. "You may stay here, but know that if anything untoward happens to Stubbs or myself, you shall never hear the end of it from Astoreth."

Now the statue makes a groaning noise. "Oh, I shall never be rid of the Grey Warden's incessant whining. Very well." Yay, it's coming with us! The big bads had better watch out. Now we are invincible. I will never tell the statue that. It is too proud already. "Let us leave right away then."

"Hey!" It's Firefur, sticking his fiery head out of a door. "Where are you all going?"

"We are going to find the nice female!" I tell him. "The lady wants it."

"Come with you, you say?" What? I didn't say that. "I think I'll do that."

Angry female rolls her eyes. "That is not what the dog said, dwarf, and you know it."

"Yeah, well, I'm bored and I'm sure you ladies can use my protection." He looks at the statue, then at me, then back at angry female. "Or just you."

"Shouldn't the dwarf be drinking itself into a stupor?" The statue laughs. "I shall do the protecting."

Firefur laughs too. "Even that gets boring after a while." That's it. I'm just going to go. They can follow me if they like, but I am going to find the nice female.

~*|'-'|*~

"Stubbs!" Finally, angry female has decided to follow me. "Wait! You do not even know where to search."

"Do too." I was there when the lady explained it. "The lady said she left the nice female in the… arbour." Yes. Whatever that is.

Angry female sighs. "Harbour. She said, harbour." She pats my head. "I know, 'tis a subtle difference, but a great difference nonetheless. And do you know where to find this harbour?"

"Yes!" I lied. I have no idea. "All right, no." I hang my head in shame. "But I would have found it."

"Can we get a move on already?" says Firefur. "Leliana isn't going to be found while we just stand around here and argue with a sodding dog!" Hey! He and the statue only just followed us. I was the one who wanted to move. Feh. Stupid humans. Firefur looks at me funny. "Do you think he can do that trick where you give him somebody's stuff to smell and he sniffs them out?" he asks angry female.

Angry female looks angry again. "Possibly. Why? Do you possess anything of Leliana's?"

"As a matter of fact, I do." Firefur grins and pulls something from his pocket. It's made of fabric, small and I can smell the nice female's scent from all the way over here. "Here, Pooch, give this a sniff." Okay, but I don't know how this will help at all. And my name is not Pooch. Sniff. Hmm.

"Are.. Are those her unmentionables?" Angry female is angry again. "Blood and damnation! Must you be so vile?" Vile? Why? Smells fine to me. Sniff.

Firefur shrugs. "I'm a guy, I can't help it. They were right _there_."

Sniff. Sniff. Wait! I think I'm getting something. "This way!"

~*|'-'|*~

The nice female's scent is gone. I can't pick it out of all the other smells. Smells like humans in heat here. "I'm sorry, I lost her scent."

Angry female strokes my back. "You did well, Stubbs. That means a nice, juicy bone for you when we return." You know what, I think she really likes me. Finally. That took a long time.

"This is a house of ill repute," says the statue. "I have seen more than enough humans copulating to last me another thousand years, so I shall remain outside."

"Aw yeah, naked chicks!" Firefur rubs his hands together, looking very happy. That's good. I didn't think little baby chickens would make him happy, but I guess I don't know him very well. "We should investigate," he says with a serious face.

Angry female throws up her hands. "What Leliana might be doing in a brothel is beyond me." She walks in; Firefur and I follow her. Crowded in here.

Ooh, they have music! I want to hear it better. They can find the nice female themselves, I'm sure. Beautiful voice. Much better than Tin Can's. _Are you going to Denerim Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme._ I'm getting closer to the singer. _Remember me to one who lives there, for she once was a true love of mine._ Oooooh! It's the nice female! I'm going to sit here and listen to her.

"Tell her to make me a cambric shirt; parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme…" She sounds so different now. Her eyes are closed. Her fingers are making music come out of some wooden thingy in her arms. It's coming from the strings. Neat. She should sing more. I've only heard it once before and that was too long ago. I can even understand this a little. Humans want some weird things, I tell you. She wants a magic shirt and then she will love someone. Dogs are not this difficult. Good to be a dog.

Now the other female opens her mouth to sing: "Now she has asked me questions three; parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme…" Nice female smiles at her. Her voice is nice too, but not as beautiful as the nice female's. Aw… The new female really likes our nice female. I can tell. Oh, she wants even bigger things than a magic shirt. Land with pepper on it. I don't get it. That will only make you sneeze. Those four words they keep singing, aren't those herbs? I think I ate them once. They don't cure bad breath, meh. A little kiss on the nice female's cheek between words. So cute. But I would use my tongue.

Together: "Are you going to Denerim Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. Remember me to one who lives there, for she once was a true love of mine."

I howl. "That was awesome!" If I could, I would clap. Humans do that too. "Again, again!"

"Stubbs?" Nice female looks at me, surprised. "Is that you?" She puts down her music thing and hugs me. "It _is_ you!"

"Friend of yours?" asks the other female. Whoa… She has such large teats. I see that now. Angry female will be jealous. Firefur will stare. Hope she won't mind. She pets my ears and I lick her hand. Salty, like her smell. "Oh, yuck."

Nice female looks so happy. "This is Astoreth's dog. Where is your mistress, Stubbs?"

"She has gone on an adventure without me." Why does she even ask? "She wanted us to look for you." Why do I even answer?

"Oh, where has that damnable dog gone off to now?" Angry female is angry yet again. "Here he is." She looks at the two females. "And he has found Leliana."

"They were making music!" I tell angry female. "It was beautiful."

Angry female pulls up one of those hairy lines above her eyes. "Truly?"

Nice female waves. "Morrigan! What brings you here? With Oghren, even."

"Hello ladies," says Firefur. Yep, he's staring at that female's teats. "Who's your friend?"

"Isabela," says the other female. She bends down to look at Firefur; I can see more of her teats now. I bet she can make a lot of milk with those. Hmm. Getting thirsty. "My, such pretty eyes you have."

Firefur's face goes as red as his hair. Funny. "Oh, thanks, uh…" This never happens. Weird. Teats make humans go all funny. He is just laughing now. Like a girl.

"Leliana, Astoreth sent us to search for you," angry female tells her. "She was worried you might not be safe." Her yellow eyes look at the other female. "But I suppose everything is in order, no?"

"Oh, I wouldn't be too sure about that." Teats – I'll just call her that – puts her arm around the nice female and laughs. "I might still kidnap your friend for some choice pillaging on the Waking Sea."

Oh, no. Pillaging is bad. "Do you want to go with her, nice female?"

"Stubbs enquires whether you wish to go with your friend," says angry female, in human words. Big words, these. I don't talk like that.

Nice female laughs. "I have never been able to find my sea legs, I fear, and I have promised the Grey Wardens I would see this through to the end." She gives Teats the music thing. "Thank you for letting me use your lute."

"Keep it." Teats smiles. "I can't play that thing to save my life." She holds nice female in her arms and kisses her. With tongue, this time. That is how it's done. "I've had a wonderful time," she whispers. If my ears weren't this good, I couldn't hear it. "I'll never forget you, Leliana."

The nice female blushes. "I will treasure my time with you, and who knows? Our paths might cross again someday." They kiss again. Angry female is looking at them with wide eyes.

"I would like that." Teats stands. She has a big butt too! Everything matches. "Time for me to head back to my ship." She waves to the nice female. "Goodbye, red." Then she pets Firefur, her teats almost in his face. "Goodbye, handsome." Firefur makes a funny noise and falls over. Oh no, blood is coming from his nose. And he is drooling more than I am.

Angry female looks at him, then at Teats. "My compliments. You appear to have broken him." She thinks it's funny, but it's not. Blood is not funny. "Goodbye."

"Love the outfit," says Teats, winking. "Goodbye." Angry female doesn't say "thank you" to her for the compliment, but she is proud of herself. I can tell. Teats pets me too and there she goes.

The nice female looks sad. I think she is going to miss Teats. "Nice female? Will you sing another song before we go back?" I want to hear more. She looks at angry female.

Angry female says: "The dog wishes to hear another song." So does she. I know it.

"I would be more than happy to serenade my friends." Nice female smiles and picks up her… lute. That's what she called the wooden music thingy. Lute. Yay, a new word! Her fingers touch the strings, making a pretty sound. Nice female sings: "A blacksmith courted me, nine months and better…"

Now I know why they call this a search _party_. Fun! Could use a snack though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyrics taken from Scarborough Fair. Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.


	17. Stubbs the Saviour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uh-oh, the Grey Wardens need saving! Who better to do it than the great Stubbs? Sten is tagging along for the ride.

### Stubbs the Saviour

I'm keeping Beardy company, lying on the floor and chewing on my treat, when a human female runs in. Pointy Ears, the giant and another female with pointy ears are following her. "Eamon!" yells the human female. "I may have done a terrible thing."

"You think so, do you?" The giant sounds angry. That's weird.

I stand, my tail wagging. "Hi! Where is the lady?" She should be here too. And Tin Can. Are they mating again? I want a hug from the lady.

"This… this _woman_ has handed the Grey Wardens over to be imprisoned," the giant tells me, anger in his voice. "Your mistress lay dying and she still had her taken away."

My fur stands on end. I can't breathe for a while. "She did _what_?" I growl at her. "I don't even know you, but I hate you already!" That is evil. Not my lady. I need her. I should have been there to protect her. This is what happens when I'm not with her. Dying, too. No. No, she can't die. The lady is tough.

"Restrain that dog before it attacks me," the female says. She's scared. Good.

"You have my blessing, Stubbs." Pointy Ears is angry too. "Go on. Take a nice chunk out of her."

Beardy pats my head. "Be a good boy and don't do that." He has a nice look in his eyes for me, but not for Pointy Ears.

"Well, all right." I growl at the female again. "I bet she tastes nasty anyway." I bump against the giant's leg. "We have to save the lady! And Tin Can."

The mean female sighs. "Never mind all this. We need to free them!" That's what I said. Stupid human. "Cauthrien will take them to Fort Drakon; getting inside will be no mean feat."

"Yes. I suggest we leave immediately." The giant looks at me. "You are a dog for their kennel and I your handler. Understood?"

My tail starts wagging. "You're so smart!" Good idea. We'll have them back in no time.

"Should I not come too?" asks Pointy Ears. "You never know when you will need a dagger planted between somebody's shoulder blades."

"One mabari and two handlers? Isn't that suspicious?" The giant scratches his neck. "I think Stubbs and I would be better off alone."

Pointy Ears nods, his face sad. Aww. "Whatever you say. I only pray you are on time."

~*|'-'|*~

"Are we there yet?" So much walking. Ugh. I'm lazy now. Bad.

"Almost." The giant is very quiet. He is sad. I know it. What if the lady dies? What will I do? Follow Tin Can? No. I will be too sad to do anything. Maybe I will die too and see the lady again. And my friend Fuzzy! Whoa, this is a big place. "We are here. Are you ready?"

"Yes!" I'm here, lady. I'll save you. "I can do the talking. Humans love me."

The giant shrugs. "Very well, if you think that is best. I am not suited for deception."

"Dee-what?"

"Deception." The giant thinks for a moment. "Trickery."

"Ooh… A new word!" Dee-cep-shun. Dee-cep-shun. Dee-cep-shun. I'm getting smarter every day. Smarter than most humans, I think. "Okay, well, just tell them I'm going to live with them and I'll do the rest." Look serious, Stubbs. Rawr. I'm fierce. Rawrrr.

Two human males are standing here. "What's your business in Fort Drakon?" asks one.

"I am a giant with a wardog," says the giant. "Either I am making a delivery, or I am besieging your fort. Hope for the former." Well done. That didn't sound like a lie at all. And kind of scary.

"I wasn't told we were getting a mabari," the human says. Oh, my turn. I pee on the man's leg. I really had to go and it's funny. Take _that_! "What in Andraste's name…?"

The other man laughs. "Good dog!" Thank you. I try. The first male wants to change – I don't know what he wants to change, but I hope it involves the deaths of many darkspawn – and the other one is going to let us in. I knew it. I'm great. We have to wait for a captain thing first, but we'll be fine. See? The captain saw me and just let us in. Because I'm awesome! I'm a purebred mabari; he likes those, I guess. The humans here don't pay any attention to us. Dee-cep-shun is working really well. Just a sad-looking female wants to know what we're doing here. The giant says all these big words to her and she leaves, looking happier. That's good. Happy is good. We should all be happy. Uh-oh… These humans are different. They don't trust us at all. Time to fight.

~*|'-'|*~

There she is! "Lady! I'm here!" Oh no… She is covered in blood. "Lady? Are you sleeping?"

"How is she doing?" asks the giant. He is worried. I am worried too. Poor lady.

"She fell unconscious a while ago," Tin Can says, his voice sad. "She's still breathing, but we need to get her out quickly." The giant opens the door and Tin Can carries the lady in his arms. "Let me get our stuff from that chest first." The lady's clothes are bloody. There is a big hole in them too. I think she needs new ones. But that means… No! There is a big hole in her body. This is terrible. Terrible.

The giant carries the lady now; he is stronger than Tin Can. Oh, no. I will never leave you alone from now on, lady. Her hand dangles down and I lay my head under it. Almost feels like she's petting me. I love you, lady. Don't die. Please. Don't die.


	18. A Tale of Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stubbs and Alistair find the lady a better healer.

### A ~~Tail~~ Tale of Healing

White Hair looks scared. "Maker, it's not working!" She's done that awesome thing with the light several times, but the lady isn't getting better. My poor lady. She is just lying there, all still and pale. Her clothes had to be thrown away. There is a really big cut in her upper body – all the way from her lower belly to partway through her teat – that won't stop bleeding. What if she does die?

"There was poison on the blade," says Pointy Ears. His forehead is wrinkled with worry. "By now it will have mixed with her blood. It may be blocking your magic."

"Horse feathers!" I have never seen White Hair so angry. "How could she be so foolish? Always running headlong into danger…"

Now Tin Can looks angry. "This wasn't her fault!" He sighs. "It was mine; I should have protected her better." Poor Tin Can. I know it wasn't his fault. Whatever happened, it can't be his fault. He would never let the lady get hurt if he could help it.

"Nonsense." Pointy Ears places a hand on Tin Can's shoulder. "We couldn't have known Howe was lying in wait for us." Everybody is so sad. I am too. Poor lady.

"From now on," says the giant, "we will be beheading all of our adversaries." It's the first thing he has said in hours. "This can never happen again."

The nice female is crying, angry female holding her hand. I think the nice female just grabbed her and won't let go. They both look very worried too. "Maker, why wasn't I here to go with you?" sobs the nice female. "My poor friend…"

"Leliana, this would still have happened." Angry female pats her shoulder. "You know Astoreth; she is very resilient. 'Tis but a scratch for her." Sigh. "Will you _please_ release my hand now?"

"No," sobs the nice female. Angry female rolls her eyes.

Firefur takes a drink and shakes his head. "I can't sodding believe this is happening. She's the main character!" Everybody looks at him funny. "What?" he says. "She is! Do you think the writer is getting sick of writing all this?" Everybody looks at him even funnier than before. "Never mind."

The statue snorts. "Oh, yes, it whines and moans about a lack of reviews." It rolls its eyes. "But maybe, just maybe, these stories are not as good as it fancies." Now everybody is looking funny at it.

Tin Can walks to the door. "I'm going to the apothecary and see if they have an expert on poisons."

"That is a good idea." White Hair looks at me. "Go with him, Stubbs."

I snuggle a little closer to the lady. "No! I have to stay with her."

"Go, Stubbs. He needs you." White Hair pats the lady's hand. "We will all keep your mistress company."

The giant strokes my back. "She will be safe."

"Okay then…" I run after Tin Can, who is almost outside already. "Tin Can! Wait for me!"

"Decided to keep me company, have you?" He pats my back. Such sad eyes. I think his cheeks are wet too. Aww… "You're not angry with me then?"

"No, of course not." I rub my head against his leg. "I know it's not your fault."

Tin Can gives me sad smile. He keeps quiet while we walk. This city smells so good. I love it here. Maybe the lady and I can live here, when the darkspawn are all dead. That would be nice. And we could get Tin Can's sister and teach her how to be nice. Maybe she doesn't know how to. But it won't matter if my lady dies. "Maker's breath," Tin Can mutters. "This is it." There is a weird look on his face. "What if she dies? I can't… I don't know what to do without her."

"No!" I nudge his hand. "We're going to save the lady." Not sure if I believe that myself. I can't help him; no matter what I say, Tin Can keeps blaming himself. Tin Can takes us into a house that has a sign above the door. I can't read what it says, but it has a picture on it of a thing the lady uses to make salves and stuff. A bowl and a poundy thingy.

"Please, you've got to help me," says Tin Can. He sounds almost crazy. "My friend has been poisoned and she's dying and I can't help her and our healer-…"

The human behind the counter holds up his hands. "Whoa there, ser, please slow down."

" _I have no time to lose!_ " Tin Can grabs the human and shakes him. " _Help me!_ " Uh oh, panic.

I jump up and lay my paw on his arm. "Tin Can, please calm down. You're scaring him." He doesn't listen.

Another human male comes in from the back, the thing from the sign in his hands. This one is wearing a dress in many colours. "What's all this racket?"

" _Help me!_ " Tin Can screams. "My friend is dying, she's been poisoned-…"

"Don't get your knickers in a twist, mate." The male puts his bowl and poundy thing on the counter and tells the other male: "I'll take care of this."

"Good," he says, twisting a finger beside his head. "I've seen enough crazy for today."

"He's not crazy!" I tell them. "He's just sad." I rub my head against his leg. "Don't listen to them, Tin Can." I remember how he told the angry female I wasn't mangy. This is the same thing.

We leave with the new guy. Whoa, he has a tail on the back of his head. And there is something shiny in his ear. Weeeeird. "Nice dog," he says, looking at me.

"Thank you!" He doesn't even know me, but that's okay. I let him pet me. Soft hands.

"Well then, tell me about this friend of yours." The male with the tail – I'm rhyming! – looks at Tin Can. "You said she was poisoned?" I listen to them talk. Tin Can has calmed down a little and he explains what happened to the lady. Nobody's told me yet. Hmmm. I'm glad this Howe human is dead. He doesn't deserve to live after what he did to the lady. They thought she was dead, even. Poor lady. I really hope this tail-guy can make her better.

Back at the big stone house. Run, run, run! The lady needs us. Aw… I was kind of hoping she'd have woken up while we were away, but no. "How is she?" I ask. Only two of the humans can answer me.

"Much the same," replies angry female. "Damnation, Leliana, my hand is really beginning to hurt now. Perhaps if you loosened your grip a bit, hmm?"

"I'm sorry." The nice female sniffles. "I'm just so afraid she'll die…"

The giant sighs. "Nonsense. She is strong and healthy; she only needs a better healer." White Hair gives him an angry look. "Look at me like that all you want. Your magic has done nothing for her."

"True enough," sighs White Hair. She looks weird at the new guy. I think I'll call him Tail. "Anders?"

"Oh, hello, Wynne." He looks at the lady and his eyes grow wide. "What happened to my favourite mystery orphan?" His hand touches her forehead; he frowns. Those hairly lines above their eyes make it so easy to see what humans are thinking. Roughly.

"I thought I'd explained all that on the way," grumbles Tin Can. "So you two know each other, then?"

Tail shrugs. "No, not really. It's more that we knew of each other." He pulls the lady's covers down and her clothes up. Her bandages are black with blood again. "Oh, that doesn't look good." White Hair takes away the bandages, so Tail can look at the lady's wound. "Maker's breath." He takes a very close look. "Well, at least her organs appear to be undamaged…"

"I have a sample of the poison, if that helps." Pointy Ears pulls a piece of cloth from his pocket. There are brown and red stains on it. Poor Pointy Ears. He looks so worried too.

"Thank you." Tail smiles very kindly at Pointy Ears. "That will help a lot." He sniffs the cloth. "Hmm… I'll have to return to the apothecary to run some tests and determine the ingredients." Tin Can starts whining right away, but there is nothing else for it. "Will you just calm down? I will be back as soon as I can." Shaking his head and muttering under his breath about being _a healer, not a miracle worker, damn it_ , Tail walks out.

I'm just going to cuddle up to the lady. Her eyes are moving under the lids. What does that mean? It's okay, lady. I'll protect you. I'm sorry I wasn't there before. Really sorry.

~*|'-'|*~

Well, all we can do now is wait, says Tail. He made a medicine to fight the poison and her wound is no longer bleeding. The giant even gave the lady some of his blood, to replace the blood she had lost. Isn't that nice of him? He must really love her. It didn't go well at all and in the end Tin Can had to give some of his, but at least the giant was nice enough to try. Tin Can and the nice female have gone outside with White Hair and Pointy Ears. To work, they said. Angry female is gone too and she has taken the lady's money. To buy new clothes? I don't know. The giant is resting; it's not easy giving away so much blood. And for nothing too. Firefur left to find more drinks, I think. At least he's keeping himself high-dray-ted. I know so many big words now.

Tail is looking after the lady. She is still sleeping. There is some colour on her cheeks now. I think she'll get better. Sleeping helps me feel better too. So sleep, lady. Feel better soon.


	19. The Ladies' Lament

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stubbs and the other lady adventurers sit by the comatose Warden's side.

### The Ladies' Lament

The lady is still asleep. So is Tail. He must be very tired, looking after the lady all the time. At least I get to stay in bed with her. Tail is in his chair, a book in his lap. He doesn't snore. When is the lady going to wake up? She's been sleeping for so long. I have never slept this long. Lady? I prod her arm with my nose. Nothing. She feels warm now. That's good.

The door opens and the nice female creeps inside. She strokes my ears. "Hello, sweet boy. How is your mistress doing?" Tail makes a noise, but he doesn't wake up. He has to rest too. Giving the lady baths and stuff must be hard work. She weighs a lot.

"Still sleeping." I watch the nice female sit down on the lady's other side. She's brought her lute and a blue book. "What have you got there?" I point my nose at the book.

"What, this?" She raises the lute. "This is my lute, it makes music."

"No, I know that." Now I point my paw at the book, kind of like humans do. " _That_. What's it about?"

The nice female gasps and pets my paw. "My, you are so bright. This was a gift from your mistress." She looks at the book as if she loves it very much. "Poetry. I thought I might read a bit to her."

"I think she would like that." I snuggle up to the lady and listen to the nice female's beautiful voice. Maybe she will sing later too.

"I hope you can hear me, Astoreth." She softly strokes the lady's cheek. "Here is one of my favourites:

 _I have leaned, body and soul,_  
_Towards you, beloved,_  
_From the moment I saw you -_  
_A stranger like a cloud of heaven._  
  
_Unable to bear the thought_  
_That tonight will quickly pass,_  
_Oh, how I pray that it might be_  
_Long as a hundred autumn nights!_

Isn't that beautiful?" The nice female sighs and clutches the book close. I don't know… Shouldn't poetry rhyme? That's what I always heard. My old master also liked poetry. What was the one he always told his friends? Oh, yes: _Roses are red, violets are blue, onions stink and so do you._ Heh. That's a funny one. I should tell the giant or angry female, so they can pass it on to the lady. She'd love it. "Oh, here is another lovely one:

_Though you say, 'Do not grieve!'_  
_I know not, alas,_  
_When we shall meet again;_  
_How can I but pine after you?_

How fitting for us now." She sighs and holds the lady's hand. "I wish I knew what was going on in your head at this moment."

"Me too!" The door opens again and there is the angry female. "Hi, angry female."

She sniffs. "I wish you would stop calling me that." Angry female looks at the nice female. "What are you doing?"

The nice female smiles, but her eyes look sad. "I was reading our friend some poetry."

"How boring." The angry female rolls her eyes. I scoot over, so angry female can sit with me. "You have brought your instrument; why not regale us with a song?" She pats the lady's arm. "Surely Astoreth would enjoy that so much better."

"Of course." The nice female puts away her book; music comes from the strings of her lute. Such a beautiful sound. She clears her throat: " _Gwaren is bonny, and there lives my love. My heart lies on him and will not remove…_ " Sniffle. It's so sad. I thought it was going to be a happy song. Human lives can be so difficult. I keep saying this: it's good to be a dog. Sniffle. Jeannie's father is mean. I hate him. Poor Jeannie. Poor Annachie. He doesn't have lands, so she has to marry some rich guy. Terrible. Love can kill. I didn't know that. " _And he's kissed her cold lips till his heart has turned to stone, and he's died in the chamber that his love she lies in…_ " The nice female ends with a single sad note.

Angry female sniffles. "That… That was so, so dismal." She looks at the lady, but there is no reaction there. I'm sure the lady would cry too if she could hear all this.

"Don't mind Morrigan, Leliana," says White Hair suddenly. When did she come in? "That was beautiful."

"Thank you, Wynne." The nice female smiles. "Perhaps in hindsight I should have played a more cheerful song…"

The angry female wipes at her eyes. "Nonsense! Everybody loves a bit of tragedy every now and then." She sighs and looks at the lady. "Although tragedy has struck too close to home for us this time, I believe." Her yellow eyes shift towards White Hair. "What do you think, old cat? Is she going to make it?"

The old human shrugs and sits besides the nice female. "Her vital signs are in good order, so she is out of danger. Her mind is probably keeping her body under to help her recover more quickly." White Hair rolls her eyes. "Good thing too. Once that girl gets up and running again, it is anybody's guess what will happen to her."

"You still believe she ran headlong into danger?" Angry female shakes her head. "That is unfair. You know she has been much more level-headed lately."

White Hair laughs. "Her impulsiveness is part of her charm; I doubt she will ever fully lose it."

"Maybe we can simply try to be grateful the Grey Warden is still alive, yes?" The statue walks in. I'm not in top shape today. Everything gets past me. "It is still sleeping?" It touches the lady's face, very carefully. Even the statue can be nice. "Surely it is fully rested by now." Poke, poke. "No? Well, it was worth a try." I think… the statue likes the lady. It shrugs and leaves.

"Come, girls, maybe can distract ourselves from our sorrows with a nice cup of tea," says White Hair. The other females go away too. I'm glad they pet me first. I like pettings.

Just when they've closed the door behind them, Tail wakes up. He yawns: "Hey, Stubbs. Have I missed anything?"

I prod the lady's arm with my nose again. Nothing. "Nope." Sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Annachie Gordon_ is the song Leliana sings; changed Buchan/Harking to Gwaren. I think I like the one sung by Mary Black best. Poems from _1000 Poems from the Man'yōshū_. Brilliant book, would recommend it to anyone who likes poetry, especially Japanese poetry.


	20. You Idiots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alistair and Zevran do things Anders doesn't agree with.

### You Idiots

Pointy Ears is here to say hi to the lady. How nice of him. "Hi, Pointy Ears." Tail is gone. To pee, probably. He better not pee against that big tree in the courtyard. That one is mine. He can have the smaller tree there, I suppose. He _has_ been caring very well for the lady, so I will let him have it. I will still be the ruler of the courtyard.

"Oh, hello, dog." Pointy Ears looks sad. Ever since the lady fell asleep. "Would you mind giving me a moment with your mistress?"

"Yes, I would." I look at the lady; still sleeping. How does she do it? She's like a cat. "I can't leave her alone. Sorry."

He looks at me funny for a moment, but then sighs. "I guess not, then. Could you perhaps pretend you are not here? I have a few important things to tell her." There is something in his hand. No, two somethings. One of them is a needle. I know those. Once, a darkspawn gave me this really big wound and my master had to sew it up. It hurt, but it made me better, so it's okay. He couldn't do the awesome thing with the light. What is that other thingy he has? It's sparkly. Like the stars in the night sky. I love looking at the stars. They are pretty.

"Okay." I pretend not to watch him, but I am totally watching him. Curious. What is he going to do?

Pointy Ears takes the lady's hand. " _Fiammina_? Please, give me a sign that you can hear me." Nope, nothing. She isn't squeezing. I can see that all the way from here. Pointy Ears says a word I'm sure is bad. "Well, this means nothing." He holds the sparkly thing in front of her eyes, even though they are closed. "I acquired this on my very first job for the Crows, assassinating a Rivaini merchant prince. This jewelled earring was about all he was wearing." Pointy Ears laughs. "I thought it was beautiful and kept it to mark the occasion." He sighs and strokes the lady's cheek. "I want you to have it, because-…" Pointy Ears looks at me; I'm not quick enough to pretend I wasn't listening. He bends down to whisper in the lady's ear, but my hearing is really good: " _Ti amo_ , _fiammina mia_. More than mere words could express." What's that mean? A kiss on her cheek. Humans don't know how to kiss, do they? You use your _tongue_ , guys. That's how you kiss.

Oh, I don't like where this is going. "What are you doing with that needle?"

"What, this?" The pointy end is pressed against the lady's earlobe. "I must pierce her somewhere, if she is to wear her gift."

Hmm, the lady does like pretty things. And that little sparkly thingy is pretty. "Okay then, but be careful."

"Not in her ear," says Tin Can suddenly. He is standing in the door. I would make the worst guard dog ever. "A single earring would not be her cup of tea, trust me."

Pointy Ears grunts. "How would you know what her cup of tea is?"

"I've known her longer than you have." Tin Can comes closer and taps his finger on the lady's nose. He is smiling and looking sad at the same time. "They are just so unbecoming for a lady like our little Warden. It would look really nice in her nose, though."

Pointy Ears holds the sparkly thing against the lady's nose. "Why, Alistair, I had no idea you have such a sense of style…" Yep, that would definitely look pretty.

"Yeah, yeah, hurry it up already," grunts Tin Can. "Anders isn't going to be happy about this, so let's make sure he doesn't know who did it."

"He is quite the stick-in-the-mud." Pointy Ears places the needle against the lady's nose, but Tin Can stops him. "What? _You_ insisted I hurry."

Tin Can gives him a stern look. "Have you disinfected that needle?"

"I…" Pointy Ears turns red. "Shit, no, thank you for reminding me. There must be some disinfectant around here…" They both go through Tail's stuff. Rude! But I can't stop them. They don't even know what I'm saying most of the time. "Ah, here we are." Pointy Ears has found a little bottle and dips the needle in it. Looks like water to me. "Will you hold her head steady for me, just in case she decides to move?" Tin Can takes the lady's face in his hands; there is such a sad, sad look in his eyes. The needle goes in. There is a little blood, but not much. Pointy Ears puts the sparkly thing through the new hole. That looks great. The lady will love it if-… when she wakes up. "What do you think?"

"Perfect." Tin Can sticks up his thumb. "Now let's get out of here." They run away like they did something bad. I guess they kind of did. Oh boy, now I'm not so sure if the lady will like it. Of course she will. She likes looking nice.

Tail comes back only moments later, whistling and with a book under his arm. "What the…?" He comes closer to the lady. "Who did this? Maker's breath, she's going to kill me!"

"Don't be silly," I tell him. "The lady will love it!"

Tail sighs and gives me a funny look. "Aw, you are no help at all." Humph. Am too.

~*|'-'|*~

Another day and the lady is still sleeping. Sheesh. Maybe she _is_ a cat. Why not? The angry female can be a cat too. Tin Can is back; Tail is watching him closely. I think he knows. Or at least thinks he knows. And here comes Pointy Ears, with a drink in his hands. Is that tea? It smells… different. He smiles at Tail. "Here, Anders." He gives Tail the drink. Why does it smell so weird? "You deserve a break; it shall probably be a while yet before Astoreth wakes."

"Any day now," Tin Can mumbles, softly stroking the lady's cheek. "Come back to me, little Warden."

"Thanks…" Tail sips his tea. "I'm parched."

Tin Can looks at him. "You should never forget to drink. It's more important than eating."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Tail laughs. "The next time I see a servant in here, I'll ask them for a carafe of water, or something."

"Good idea." Tin Can nods and looks at the lady again. He loves her so much. I can tell. Pointy Ears is quiet. He only watches Tail with his tree sap-coloured eyes.

"Good grief," yawns Tail. "I'm suddenly very tired." He stretches his arms above his head.

Pointy Ears smiles. "You can't have had much sleep watching over our patient the way you do. Perhaps a nap is in order?"

"Yeah, I guess so…" Tail yawns again and slumps in his chair. "Wake me in..." Yawn. "An hour…" Yawn. "Or something…" And he is off to sleep. Good. He doesn't sleep enough.

"That worked quickly," says Tin Can, poking Tail to make sure he is really sleeping. "What did you give him?" Oooh… That is why the tea smelled so strange. "You didn't kill him, did you?"

Pointy Ears rolls his eyes. "Of course not! It was only a very powerful sleeping potion." He takes something from his pocket. "So you are absolutely, definitely certain that Astoreth wants me to tattoo her?" The something is made from leather; he unfurls it and reveals needles in many different sizes. More holes in the lady? I hope not. If they try, I'll stop them. What is a tattoo anyway?

"Positive," replies Tin Can. "She said she would like to be tattooed, but we didn't have the time for such things. And now that we're not really doing anything…" He shrugs.

"Very well, but if it turns out you were mistaken, I am blaming you." Pointy Ears dips a needle into some black liquid. Ink. Oh, is he going to draw pictures on the lady? That is okay. "This will not wash off, you know. Let us undress her."

I can tell Tin Can is very happy to take the lady's clothes off. He keeps staring at her teats as if he has never seen them before. I saw them all the time when the little one was still with us. She kept his food in there. "So, uh…" He licks his lips. "What's the best place, you think?"

"I would think the back of the shoulder; very easy to hide." Pointy Ears lays the lady on her belly and touches her very softly on her left shoulder. "Maybe here?"

"Sounds good. What of, though? I think she would love to have a bitchin' griffon!" Tin Can looks at Pointy Ears with sparkling eyes.

Pointy Ears laughs. "What kind of griffon?" He laughs some more. "I was thinking of something a tad more ladylike, as you were earlier." Tin Can's face goes all pink. "Do you remember those black robes she used to wear?" I do, I do! They had plants and stuff on them. But not real plants.

"Definitely." Tin Can has a distant look in his eyes; he makes a little groaning sound.

"You are thinking of the sight of her legs in those robes, aren't you?" Pointy Ears smiles. "Ah, quite spectacular… But actually, I meant the pattern on them."

Tin Can scratches his head. "The vines and flowers? I have to admit, Zev, that's not a bad idea."

"You are too kind," says Pointy Ears, a little insulted. "Well, then, I had better get underway before our healer wakes." Tail is still sleeping; I don't think he will wake up soon.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Tin Can grabs Pointy Ears' hand, just when he is about to start drawing his pictures on the lady. "Didn't you tell me you would need to bathe somebody first, massage their skin with olive and rose oil, or something?"

Pointy Ears laughs. "No, that was merely a ploy to get you naked and touch you, dear Alistair; perhaps even do a little more," he says with a wink. More? Like what? Rutting? Huh? But they're both male. That makes no sense. Humans are so weird sometimes.

"Oh." Tin Can blushes. "I'm not sure whether to be scandalized or flattered."

"How about aroused?" Pointy Ears wiggles the hairy lines above his eyes. "Is that an option?" I thought he only loved the lady. Pointy Ears must have a lot of love to give.

"Definitely not!" Tin Can looks away. "Just get started, all right?"

Pointy Ears keeps quiet while he draws on the lady's skin. The tip of his tongue sticks out as he works. That's kind of cute. Pretty pictures. I like it. The lady will like it too, I think. So many flowers and plants. Looks better than on the lady's old clothes. Tin Can watches on, the hairy lines above his eyes high on his forehead. He likes it too; he is probably surprised at how good Pointy Ears can draw. That guy is _good_ , but not very quick. This is taking a while. Uh oh… Tail's eyes are opening. I wonder what he will say? "You filthy, conniving…" I can't repeat what else he says. It's too rude. "You drugged my tea!"

"It's for a good cause!" says Tin Can. "Astoreth said herself that she wanted a tattoo."

"I don't care." Tail jumps up, anger in his eyes. "I can't bloody believe you two!" He smacks them both on the head. "Have you idiots stopped to think that maybe this girl has gone through too much crap already to be subjected to more injury?" He growls. "Fools. A tattoo is a wound! Now her body has to direct attention from the hole in her torso to healing this new nonsense too." What? I didn't know the drawings were a wound! Stupid humans. Tail's eyes are almost red with anger. "You're behind the piercing too, aren't you?" Yes. Yes, they were. It was them. All them.

"I don't know what you're talking about," says Tin Can.

"It wasn't me," says Pointy Ears. He sighs. "I am sorry for this, however; obviously we weren't using our heads like we should have." He puts away his needles and looks at Tin Can. "We should leave."

"Oh, no." Tail smacks Pointy Ears again. "No, no, no. Now you're finishing it too." He waves at the pictures. "Look at this! The only thing that will piss her off more than a surprise tattoo is an unfinished surprise tattoo. Hop to it."

Pointy Ears bends his head and continues. He should be ashamed of himself. If I'd known, I would have stopped them. Those two and their stupid plans. I'm sorry, lady. Oh, no. I hope she's not going to be angry with me too.


	21. Drama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stubbs watches on as Zevran and Alistair fight over who gets his mistress. Oghren makes an appearance. So does Anora, but who cares about her?

### Drama

Even though Tail said he never wanted to see him again, Pointy Ears has returned to the lady. He promised not to do anything, so Tail let him stay. Tail is a good guy. I like him. Pointy Ears is sitting with the lady, holding her hand. Everybody seems to be afraid she will never wake up. Nonsense. She will. Eventually. Pointy Ears is whispering in the lady's ear in his mysterious language. It sounds beautiful. Wish I knew what it all meant. Maybe he is telling her stories, like the nice female does sometimes.

The door opens; it's Tin Can. Tail doesn't want to see him either. "Get out," says Tail. "I will light the next person who harms my patient on fire."

"I'll be good." Tin Can points his thumb at Pointy Ears. "You're letting _him_ stay, aren't you?" He smiles at Tail. "Please? I just want to sit by my friend's side." I'm not sure if he means Pointy Ears or the lady. Probably the lady.

Tail sighs. "Fine." He frowns. "But any tomfoolery and I'm kicking you out the window!"

Tin Can sits himself on the lady's other side and takes her other hand. He and Pointy Ears give each other a mean look. "So, Zevran, you are awfully close with her all of a sudden," says Tin Can in a low voice, his eyes narrowed; only Pointy Ears and I can hear him. I'm probably not supposed to listen, but I am going to anyway. Nobody said I couldn't.

"Are you jealous?" Pointy Ears also speaks softly and kisses the lady's hand, knowing it will probably make Tin Can angry. "If you must know, Astoreth and I-…"

"Oh, I know you're sleeping with her too." Tin Can rolls his eyes. "Who else could it be – Sten?"

They both laugh. "We would probably have noticed if that were the case," snickers Pointy Ears.

"Do you love her?" Tin Can doesn't get an answer to his question. Which _is_ an answer, if you think about it. "Well, so do I and I don't want to share her with anyone."

"Alistair, how selfish of you." Pointy Ears strokes the lady's cheek. "I, for one, would not want to claim her against her wishes and I know she feels the same about me."

Tin Can makes a dirty face. "Oh, yes, you're also doing it with the tall guy who minds the horses, right? Isn't she enough for you?" With a guy? Oh, those humans. They'll mate with anything.

"She has never asked me to commit solely to her, so why should I?" Pointy Ears pats Tin Can on the shoulder. "Life is short, Alistair. You should wring it for every drop of fun it can offer you."

"And if she were to ask you to?" Tin Can looks at the other guy with great interest.

Pointy Ears shrugs. "Then I suppose I would." Oooh… I knew it! He does love the lady! His cheeks have gone red.

" _Aha_!" Tin Can points at Pointy Ears. "So you do love her." He smiles, looking at the lady's face. "She really is something very spe-…"

 _"What's uuuuuuup?"_ Firefur stumbles in. Ha, he's so funny. He shoves Tin Can aside and jumps on the bed. "How is my favourite main character, huh?" Suddenly he sniffles. "Please, please, wake up, Warden!" Crying, he buries his face between the lady's teats; he likes that, I think. He tried it yesterday too, but Tail scared him away. "The boredom is killing me! All I can do is drink and even that is getting boring!"

Tin Can pats his fiery head. "Uh, there, there?"

"Damn it, Oghren, stop trying to feel her up," says Tail, half angry and half laughing. "Get away from her."

Firefur stops crying right away. "Hey, it was worth a shot. So what do you think, you man-skirt wearing freak? Is she going to be up and running again soon, or what?" He sighs and climbs off the bed, but not before squeezing the lady's teat. How rude. "Nice."

"You pervert!" Tail zaps him with lightning. Ha! That's awesome. "Go on, get out!" He zaps him again.

"Aaah!" Firefur runs to the door and sticks his tongue out at Tail. "Sparklefingers!" And he's gone. That was funny. I wish the lady could have seen that. She would have laughed so hard… Just like Tin Can and Pointy Ears are doing. At least they look happy now. I didn't like their talk earlier. What would the lady say about all that? From what I have seen, she loves them both. They both love her too, clearly. Humans are complicated. I'm just a dog. What do I know of all these things? Nothing.

Tin Can and Pointy Ears have stopped laughing. Now they are staring at each other. Their eyes look mean and angry. "I saw her first," growls Tin Can.

"I had her first," says Pointy Ears with a smile.

"You did?" Tin Can throws his hands in the air. "Maker's breath! Why am I always late to the party?"

Pointy Ears looks at Tin Can with pity in his eyes. "Because you are shy and not used to taking the initiative." He chuckles. "But not anymore, eh? You impressed us all during that rescue mission of that royal pain in the ass."

Tin Can blushes. "Thanks. Has Anora been here to check on her yet?" he asks Tail.

"No," replies Tail. "Unless she did so during my privy breaks, but that is unlikely." He shudders. "She seems so cold." And mean. Don't forget mean.

"She _is_ cold." Tin Can's upper lip curls in disgust. "Astoreth nearly died saving her and that… that… Ugh, I don't even know a word awful enough to describe her!" Me neither. I hate that female. Maybe even more than I hate darkspawn and I hate darkspawn a lot.

There is a knock on the door; Tail rolls his eyes. "Andraste's ass! Can't a guy gossip in peace?"

Tin Can snickers. "It must be Bother Astoreth Day today." Heh. I don't know what that means, but it sounds funny. Maybe something between him and the lady.

My fur stands on end when Tail allows the visitor to come in. It's that female. The mean one. She looks around; her eyes look cold, even when she looks at the lady. The lady was wounded because she had to save this female. I wish she hadn't. "Greetings, all of you."

"What do you want?" Tin Can is speaking with his teeth clenched. Pointy Ears says nothing, just gives her angry looks. She deserves every one of them. "Have you finally come to see the damage your betrayal has done?"

The female folds her arms. "How is she?" I don't know why she asks. She obviously doesn't care.

"Well, her vital signs are in good order." Tail is the only one who doesn't hate her. Or maybe he hides it very well. "She'll wake up any day now."

The female sighs. "I can't wait for that. Oh, bother…"

"Yes, I'm sure Astoreth is very sorry for letting you wait while she recovers from a massive hole in her chest," drawls Tin Can, but that stupid female isn't paying any attention.

"Very well, I shall simply tell you," she says to Tin Can. "Have you heard of the unrest in the Denerim alienage?" The female says stuff about unrest and war and her father doing bad things. Don't humans have this saying about an apple and a tree? Seems fitting. She wants Tin Can to solve the problem. "I know Eamon wants to put you on the throne, Alistair, but don't you think I am a better candidate?" Now she smiles, but it doesn't look real. "I have governed this country for five years; you know I do it well."

Tin Can snorts. "You may be a good ruler, but you stink as a decent human being." He shoos her away. "Go be all noble and queenly somewhere else; I'll help the elves."

"What about Ferelden?" asks the female. "You can't very well ignore this issue."

"I'll cross that bridge when I get to it." Tin Can narrows his eyes. "Now piss off, Your _Majesty_." She shrugs and leaves. But she is angry. I'm sure of it. Take that, ha.

Pointy Ears looks at Tin Can with big eyes. "Well done!" He slowly claps his hands. "That was beautiful to watch."

"Thank you, thank you." Tin Can pretends to bow. "I'll be here all week." Suddenly he looks at Pointy Ears all mean again. "Meanwhile, we haven't resolved our issues."

"Issues?" Pointy Ears raises the hairy lines above his eyes. I should learn what they are called some time. "I was unaware that we had issues."

Tin Can's face is slowly going red. "You know bloody well what I'm talking about! You, me and Astoreth." He folds his arms. "What are we going to do about this?"

"Well, if you are so eager to have her all to yourself, we must let her decide." Pointy Ears also folds his arms. "Whom does she prefer: you or me? I cannot wait to find out," he chuckles.

" _Fine_ ," says Tin Can, rising from his seat.

Pointy Ears also rises from his seat and says: "Fine!" They both try to walk out angrily, but get stuck in the doorway instead. This is so funny. They are probably serious, which makes it even funnier. Silly humans.

"Oh, do you want to come to the alienage?" Tin Can asks on a normal tone.

"But of course," replies Pointy Ears.

"Fine!"

" _Fine_!" And they are gone. Goodness, lady, look at all the things you're missing.

Tail stares at the doorway for a moment, but then bursts out laughing: "Draaamaaaaaa…"


End file.
